Glorious Monday

Funny title considering the dark spot I seemed to be in last night, but it's true! I've been trying really hard lately to find a support group for people who've experienced miscarriage and infertility. I tried to do this over and over in Shreveport to no avail. I left messages, was supposed to get called back, never heard anything. It only added to my overall frustration with the situation.

Then when we moved here, my husband's boss said that he found a support group for me, but then lost the info and couldn't find it again. So, I've been trying to remind hubby and him over and over so that I could find a place where people would 'get me' like all my blogger friends do. Well low and behold, Andrea, who I refer to as my kindred spirit (we 'met' on a miscarriage forum) introduced us all to a new blogger this past week, but me being busy and wrapped up in myself for a few days, I decided to wait until I really had time. I hate to leave meaningless trite comments on people's blogs! So, I finally did go 'meet' Britt. Turns out we live in the same town AND she directed me to a support group that meets the third Tuesday of every month (which happens to be tomorrow) AND she said she'd meet me beforehand so I didn't have to go alone! How cool is that!?!!?

So, it is a glorious Monday indeed! Thank you God, for always knowing what is best for me and blessing me so greatly!!

Baby Showers

I was reading over at Moments of Pause and in a response to some questions she talked about Baby Showers. It struck a chord with me, so I decided to write about that.

I know that for most people who don't lose babies, that the "Baby Shower" sounds delightful, and is highly anticipated, to have everyone 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over your cute baby stuff.

Literally I have a pit in my stomach right now thinking about it. It makes me feel ill to think about a baby shower. Attending one, or having my own. There I said it. That's the truth. This is my heart right now. If you've never lost a baby, you've never had to hide the gifts that people have given you just so you wouldn't burst into tears over and over. If you've never lost a baby, you don't realize that just because there is a shower, doesn't mean a baby is coming home with you. You are blissful and enjoy each moment.

If you have lost a baby, you know these realities all too well, you are terrified to buy anything, you are terrified to say anything, you are terrified to prepare because you know that within minutes it can all be gone. So, for me and other baby lost moms, the idea of a baby shower is not just scarey, it's downright sickening. Going to them and celebrating for someone else what your heart so longs to do and to have is not just unpleasant, it's torture. There are cases where that isn't as bad as others, but in general, this is truth for us babylost moms. Having your own shower, and thinking of what you would have to do with all that 'stuff' if your baby doesn't come home with you is even more horrific.

Mulitple people have asked about doing a baby shower for us, for our impending adoption. Thank you all, as I know it comes from a deep love for us and a genuine desire to celebrate with us, but we cannot do it. This is an adoption, and all adoptions can fall through, some call this pessimistic, for me it is the truth. So, I'd prefer not to have any more 'stuff' from loving well wishers until we bring our daughter home, simply because if we don't get to bring her home, my heart will be broken again, and I only have so much room to store stuff that will keep it out of sight.

I know this seems like a bummer post, and for that I'm sorry. I've had a rough couple of days, no reason, that's just how grief is, but I wanted to share this, so that some people might be able to understand how people who've suffered loss, or infertility might actually feel. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just our own feelings and demons that we battle. I know most of us would love it if we didn't feel this way, we'd give anything to be our old purely optimistic selves, but somethings you just can't make go away. This is one of them.

We don't want to not be invited to showers, for some days we can actually handle it, but we need you to know that if we can't, it doesn't have anything to do with you! I had friends who had a little girl in September, do what I consider to this day one of the most thoughtful things...

Hubby (friend of my hubby) called Sean to let him know that they were having a shower and that we were definately invited and they wanted us there, if we could make it, but that they understood if we couldn't. They hadn't wanted to send an invitation, as they didn't want it to arrive on a bad day.

Thoughtful, just plain thoughtful, and I'm forever grateful for that!

On a different note, my friend Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde is entering adoption-land, send her some love, and I'm stealing from her too, as I love to read like she does. So, any suggestions for books on adoption, I'd like to know somethings from birthmothers, as well as adopted children.

Hope this week is good for all of you!!

Emotions

I think that emotions are a bummer. Mainly because the yucky ones sneak up without cause. I shouldn't be having a rough day today, but I am. It's just been a funky Tuesday.

Today I miss my babies. Some days I'm ok, and though I always think about it, some days are better than others, this is an other day!! People are pregnant everywhere, you never notice how much until it's not you and you desperatly want it to be you! It's just a hard place to be.

I feel like a lot of the joy with my adoption has been taken secondary to the stressful situations we've faced, the possibility of it not happening (for a few weeks there), and the concern over whether or not it will happen in the end. All of these things are so beyond my control that I must daily surrender them to God and know that He will provide. Sometimes I just wonder when and if He will provide a baby for me and Sean. I pray so, I pray that this adoption works out for us.

Today I'd like to say a huge thank you to my girls, specifically the other four of the fab 5 that are traveling this road with me. Without the love of Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, and Angie, I'm sure this road would have been infinitely harder. I am grateful each and every day that God gave me these sweet friends to walk this road with hand and hand! I wanted to share the necklace that I got from Andrea and Nan that is so very special to me. It has my babies' names on it and their birthstones! Thank you girls for this, it means the world to me!