I was reading over at Moments of Pause and in a response to some questions she talked about Baby Showers. It struck a chord with me, so I decided to write about that.
I know that for most people who don't lose babies, that the "Baby Shower" sounds delightful, and is highly anticipated, to have everyone 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over your cute baby stuff.
Literally I have a pit in my stomach right now thinking about it. It makes me feel ill to think about a baby shower. Attending one, or having my own. There I said it. That's the truth. This is my heart right now. If you've never lost a baby, you've never had to hide the gifts that people have given you just so you wouldn't burst into tears over and over. If you've never lost a baby, you don't realize that just because there is a shower, doesn't mean a baby is coming home with you. You are blissful and enjoy each moment.
If you have lost a baby, you know these realities all too well, you are terrified to buy anything, you are terrified to say anything, you are terrified to prepare because you know that within minutes it can all be gone. So, for me and other baby lost moms, the idea of a baby shower is not just scarey, it's downright sickening. Going to them and celebrating for someone else what your heart so longs to do and to have is not just unpleasant, it's torture. There are cases where that isn't as bad as others, but in general, this is truth for us babylost moms. Having your own shower, and thinking of what you would have to do with all that 'stuff' if your baby doesn't come home with you is even more horrific.
Mulitple people have asked about doing a baby shower for us, for our impending adoption. Thank you all, as I know it comes from a deep love for us and a genuine desire to celebrate with us, but we cannot do it. This is an adoption, and all adoptions can fall through, some call this pessimistic, for me it is the truth. So, I'd prefer not to have any more 'stuff' from loving well wishers until we bring our daughter home, simply because if we don't get to bring her home, my heart will be broken again, and I only have so much room to store stuff that will keep it out of sight.
I know this seems like a bummer post, and for that I'm sorry. I've had a rough couple of days, no reason, that's just how grief is, but I wanted to share this, so that some people might be able to understand how people who've suffered loss, or infertility might actually feel. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just our own feelings and demons that we battle. I know most of us would love it if we didn't feel this way, we'd give anything to be our old purely optimistic selves, but somethings you just can't make go away. This is one of them.
We don't want to not be invited to showers, for some days we can actually handle it, but we need you to know that if we can't, it doesn't have anything to do with you! I had friends who had a little girl in September, do what I consider to this day one of the most thoughtful things...
Hubby (friend of my hubby) called Sean to let him know that they were having a shower and that we were definately invited and they wanted us there, if we could make it, but that they understood if we couldn't. They hadn't wanted to send an invitation, as they didn't want it to arrive on a bad day.
Thoughtful, just plain thoughtful, and I'm forever grateful for that!
On a different note, my friend Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde is entering adoption-land, send her some love, and I'm stealing from her too, as I love to read like she does. So, any suggestions for books on adoption, I'd like to know somethings from birthmothers, as well as adopted children.
Hope this week is good for all of you!!
Goodbye 2nd Grade, Goodbye Kindergarten
2 days ago