"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Baby Showers

I was reading over at Moments of Pause and in a response to some questions she talked about Baby Showers. It struck a chord with me, so I decided to write about that.

I know that for most people who don't lose babies, that the "Baby Shower" sounds delightful, and is highly anticipated, to have everyone 'oooh' and 'ahhh' over your cute baby stuff.

Literally I have a pit in my stomach right now thinking about it. It makes me feel ill to think about a baby shower. Attending one, or having my own. There I said it. That's the truth. This is my heart right now. If you've never lost a baby, you've never had to hide the gifts that people have given you just so you wouldn't burst into tears over and over. If you've never lost a baby, you don't realize that just because there is a shower, doesn't mean a baby is coming home with you. You are blissful and enjoy each moment.

If you have lost a baby, you know these realities all too well, you are terrified to buy anything, you are terrified to say anything, you are terrified to prepare because you know that within minutes it can all be gone. So, for me and other baby lost moms, the idea of a baby shower is not just scarey, it's downright sickening. Going to them and celebrating for someone else what your heart so longs to do and to have is not just unpleasant, it's torture. There are cases where that isn't as bad as others, but in general, this is truth for us babylost moms. Having your own shower, and thinking of what you would have to do with all that 'stuff' if your baby doesn't come home with you is even more horrific.

Mulitple people have asked about doing a baby shower for us, for our impending adoption. Thank you all, as I know it comes from a deep love for us and a genuine desire to celebrate with us, but we cannot do it. This is an adoption, and all adoptions can fall through, some call this pessimistic, for me it is the truth. So, I'd prefer not to have any more 'stuff' from loving well wishers until we bring our daughter home, simply because if we don't get to bring her home, my heart will be broken again, and I only have so much room to store stuff that will keep it out of sight.

I know this seems like a bummer post, and for that I'm sorry. I've had a rough couple of days, no reason, that's just how grief is, but I wanted to share this, so that some people might be able to understand how people who've suffered loss, or infertility might actually feel. It has nothing to do with anyone else, just our own feelings and demons that we battle. I know most of us would love it if we didn't feel this way, we'd give anything to be our old purely optimistic selves, but somethings you just can't make go away. This is one of them.

We don't want to not be invited to showers, for some days we can actually handle it, but we need you to know that if we can't, it doesn't have anything to do with you! I had friends who had a little girl in September, do what I consider to this day one of the most thoughtful things...

Hubby (friend of my hubby) called Sean to let him know that they were having a shower and that we were definately invited and they wanted us there, if we could make it, but that they understood if we couldn't. They hadn't wanted to send an invitation, as they didn't want it to arrive on a bad day.

Thoughtful, just plain thoughtful, and I'm forever grateful for that!

On a different note, my friend Jennifer over at Thoughts from a Blonde is entering adoption-land, send her some love, and I'm stealing from her too, as I love to read like she does. So, any suggestions for books on adoption, I'd like to know somethings from birthmothers, as well as adopted children.

Hope this week is good for all of you!!


  1. Oh, I just wish O'Brien would make it home to you...I know he wouldn't make all the hurt go away, but I know he'd help soothe your heart some.

    I agree wholeheartedly. Honestly, with Matthew, I didn't want a shower. It took 10 years to get there, I'd been buying and saving things for a baby for that long and I just felt weird about it--like it wasn't real.

    A dear, dear friend (and John, who I think mostly wanted me to have a special day but just a teeeeny bit was looking forward to things we might get that he didn't have to shop for!) collaborated and gave me one of the most incredible and joyful days of my life. I am forever, forever grateful for that special memory I will cherish forever. That shower was such a gift.

    But OH . HOW . IT . STINGS now. It hurts. I look at those pictures and see the pure bliss and it hurts. And I feel so, so guilty that I have a huge room full of amazing baby things for a little boy that will never use them.

    So now, as we are going through more cycles, my dear, dear friend tells me regularly that she will throw me another amazing shower and we will have more joy and happiness in our lives. She's trying to give me hope. She's trying to let me know that we are loved. I love her for it.

    And I WANT to want it one day. I WANT to be able to enjoy every second of another pregnancy, including the silly baby games and sweet little party favors.

    But every time I pick up a pencil to write something with, and realize it says, "It's a BOY!" (we had a ton left from the shower), I know that just can't be again. And you're right--it's not pessimistic, it's realistic. It's based on your life. Your life's experiences. It's just the way it is now.

    I'm sorry you have had some rough days. Can't wait until little Cala is home with you--then we'll shower you both with lots of love and goodies! In the meantime, we will continue to pray for you and your husband, baby girl and baby mama!

  2. Totally understand! We threw my friend Maria a shower after she brought Jadon home! Keep praying for her, especially in the next 12-24 hours. The birth mother who was viewing their profile narrowed it down to her and one other, but in the meantime was admitted to the hospital and had the baby early on Friday evening. Maria met the birth mother yesterday and will learn tomorrow if she gets to be the sweet baby girls mommy! Pray for Maria's patience and nerves and that she gets some sleep and pray for the birth mother during this tough time! I'll let you know how it turns out! Love you! Still praying for O'Briens return!

  3. I'm glad you posted about this. It is something that people who have not experienced infertility/pregnancy loss understand. You worded things perfectly and did a great job painting a picture of the emotions/struggles we infertiles experience in the face of baby showers! Praying for your current situation...

  4. Dear Sweet Friend,

    Those thoughts have swirled in my head a zillion times! I loathe the sight of an invite to a baby shower, as it serves as a reminder of what I've lost. Not to mention the audacity of someone thinking healthy babies that arrive safe and sound are a "given". As You can See, my thoughts are skewed, tainted and the JOY in a sweet celebration has been forever changed. But, that's what happens when you experience err on the side of caution and take all measures to shield your heart from further damage, as you've become a realist. You realize bad things can and do happen to good people :(

    I don't think I will ever want a baby shower...isn't that sad? Maybe a celebration to announce our child once they enter our arms, but no pre celebrations allowed.

    On a happier note, YOU and Sean deserve to celebrate Cala's arrival. Once she's in your arms you can allow family, friends and well wishers to shower you with love and tokens of "pink" while building "happy memories".

    Sweet friend I am sorry for the uncertainty this broken road brings and I am sorry for this sour post. I promise to bring sunshine and optimism in the days to come :)

    Praying for healing of the heart,
    Your Kindred Spirit

  5. I totally get this post. Even though my pregnancy didn't last long enough to get to the baby shower stage, we received a few gifts at Christmas. I still have a few of them tucked away in a closet, but I wasn't able to keep most of them in my house. I don't attend baby showers at all any more. Instead I buy a gift and take my friend out to lunch to give her the gift. Not sure if I will ever be okay with a baby shower. Since we are adopting internationally, it is less risky, but still you just never know. Part of me really wants to take the chance though.

    I have heard of others having "life" parties once baby is home to celebrate the adoption with their friends and family.

    Praying your little girl is home with you very soon!

  6. Thanks for posting your feelings. I think of you so much and you are in my prayers Deni.

  7. Hi honey,

    I know we have talked about this subject so I know we are on the same page. I think it's great you voiced it and got it out, and many will relate and give you great advice (as the above already has). I have lots of things for my girls that are sitting in the nursery, but I am thankful I didn't have the three cribs yet and everything else in threes, or I just wouldn't know what to do with myself. The room would probably have had caution tape and do not enter signs over the door forever.

    I just want to send you love and hugs and know that I think about you and pray for you everyday. Praying especially for your heart to feel lifted :)

    Love, Nan xxxooo

  8. Hey Deni,

    Just sending you hugs and lots of love right now. Thinking you .

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  10. I had something all typed out and then somehow I deleted it....I am a dork.

    Since I've never lost a baby, I can't relate to what you are going through. I imagine that it is terrifying. I think waiting makes perfect sense. Even for me, I want to wait until after we adopt. It would be terrible to have the birth mother change her mind.

    I think that once you hold Cala in your arms it will be the perfect time to have a shower or even a sip and see (those are popular here in Michigan I'd never heard of them. ha!)

    I pray for your peace and for everything to go well and that once you have that sweet baby girl you will feel a peace. I know she can never replace the babies you've lost, I just pray you feel more at peace after she is here. You will remain in my prayers, sweet friend! ((HUGS))