"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Still no pregnancy

It doesn't matter how long you go I don't think, every month when you know you are NOT pregnant again, it's disappointing. You can't help that tiny bit of you that is hopeful, that tiny space that says "I know I did everything right this time, so maybe, just maybe?!?", that tiny breathe that prays 'let this month be mine to celebrate'. It hurts every time.

I am thrilled to know that there are people this month who had that special discovery, and ones that are continuing on their pregnancy journey safely after loss, those things make me happy.

Still my own disappointment is there, and it doesn't go away. I'm sure some think it's selfish to want to be pregnant when I'm adopting, but you can't help hoping that for once your body won't let you down. Mine is a constant disappointment! So, today I'm a little blue, but going out to enjoy this weather to perk up a little!


  1. I know it's so hard! Big hugs!!! I continue to be praying for you!!!!!!

  2. Sweet Friend,

    I think continued disappointment is the absolute worst! Yes, we do always have that glimmer of HOPE and optimism each cycle, but living life in 2 week increments to feel as if we've failed again takes its toll. It's as if we have a few days to heal and recover from the disappointment to only be faced with trying again. It gets old and it wears on your heart.

    Even if you are adopting a child the desire still remains to be pregnant with a biological child. It's the natural progression of life and something that doesn't diminish just because you are going to bring home a child of the heart. The desire is still there any way you look at it and I don't know if that longing ever goes away, as it is the loss of a dream and the constant memory of children who grew wings much too soon.

    These emotions are so complex honey and I wish "we" didn't have to feel them. I used to say that feeling was healing, but now I say feeling is reality of life in the new normal.

    However, what I can say is this...
    *Look forward to sweet Cala's arrival
    *Stay on track with the Metformin
    *Don't EVER give up on this dream, as it will come true
    *Know that I'm not giving up on you or your dream and will cheer you on all the way to the FINISH LINE!

    Much Love My Kindred Spirit,

  3. Oh how I wish the results were different for you this month. I dont think its selfish at all to want to adopt and to be pregnant. Who wouldnt want both miracles, I ask? I wish it wasnt this hard for us. Thinking of you and praying for different results next month. *HUGS*

  4. I know friend, I know.

    I'm sorry and agree with can't help your heart's desire. You know what a miracle pregnancy is and you want more of it...there's nothing selfish in that.

    Lots of love to you!

  5. Sending you hugs deni,

    It's not selfish at all. The heart wants what it wants and i can't imagine a greater want for us than to successfully concieve and carry. Sending you hugs and prayers my sweet friend.

  6. More hugs, more love, more prayers, always. Love you

  7. I don't think its selfish at all that you are still hoping for that BFP even though you are adopting. We ideally would like to do both. You just follow your heart sweetie and try not to fret about the rest. Hugs!

  8. Hi Deni !

    Just sending you hugs .
    AF arrived here too and Im trying to get over the dissapointment too.
    I didnt have so much hope for this cycle as I got the gastroenteritis when it was time to babydance so we prpbably míssed the right day :(
    Oh I wish we didnt have to wait anymore .
    I dont think your are selfish wanting to get pregnant even if you are in the proces of adoption .Its beautiful to have both adopted and your own children, but we dont give up yet.
    We just wont give up !
    Sending you hugs and prayers for hope .

  9. Absolutely understandable, Deni! I don't think I'll ever forget that monthly disappointment that can last for years and years. It does hurt and it's awful.

    Thinking of you often & sending hugs!