"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Saturday, May 29, 2010

What to write

I've come and started a number of posts tonight, but there really aren't words for what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe it's just that they aren't words that I want to put on here.

So, I'll do what I usually do, and I'll just be honest. I just read Lori's blog where she tells the story of the birth and death of sweet Matthew. I bawled my eyes out. It was cathartic for me. Do you know that feeling where things are so very overwhelming that you know you need to cry, but you can't? That's where I was, so I thank her and her husband both for writing their story, so I could get out a good long cry.

I am a faithful person, and I know that God is good, and I know that fear is from the devil, but 'beans' if it doesn't just sneak up on you and sometimes swallow you whole. Somehow, satan keeps seeming to sneak in and steal my joy, to put all kinds of doubt in my mind, and to make me imagine that the worst is about to come. Maybe it is. Maybe July will come and we won't bring home a baby. These are my thoughts. I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I do. They stop for a day or two, maybe a few weeks, but then they come back and they torment me like some movie I've seen where evil spirits dance around someone. Maybe like in "Where the Wild Things Are" where they are dancing and singing around that little boy. Could it be that after so much loss and heartache in trying to become a mother, that I no longer believe that I can get my happily-ever-after? Some days that is how I feel. Today is one of those days. These days make you feel so isolated, so alone, so empty that you're not sure how to move forward. I don't care for these days even a little bit.

I continuously have to remind myself of the miracles that have already occured in my life. I remind myself that God is good, ALL THE TIME, that He is unchanging when everything around me is in constant flux. Whatever comes, whatever I face, whatever I'm tried with next is no match for my God. And I march forward. But for tonight, I'm exhausted, and NEED sleep, so I'm going to try that next.

This week was a beautiful one for me. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans, and I LOVE that city. I have for years, and have always wanted to live there, though that may never happen. To be able to go there and help provide a home for someone who doesn't have one, well, that my dear is just plain goodness. To see the hearts of the college students who went with us, to hear their love for God, to see the love that they continuously show to people around them regardless of that person's situation, that is priceless. Each day I am grateful that God has allowed me to work in youth ministry. Having two hilarious co-workers is just icing on that cake. I didn't want to move to Tyler, but I know I'm here for a reason and that God is so good.

(Sometimes you just have to write to get back into perspective!!).


  1. My Kindred Spirit,

    Yes, sometimes you just have to get it all out on paper....therapy comes in forms :)

    I swam through tears too when I read Matthew's story and was reminded of my blessings despite all that I have been dealt. Yet, there was 1 thing that continued to resonate with me throughtout "their" story, Lori NEVER wavered in her FAITH in GOD and she still has not.

    You, my friend, do not waver in that FAITH either, you honor "him" :) Continue to live in the moment and savor the JOY that is yours. I BELIEVE in all the GOOD that is happening in your life and I believe that God is bringing your daughter to you and Sean.

    It's normal to have doubts and insecurities, its part of the process...just continue to rely on your partnership with God and you will feel whole :)

    So happy the trip to NOLA was wonderful and those kids bring you such happiness! Yes, doing for those less fortunate always fills me up, just as it does you. And, how lucky you are to have co-workers that make you laugh! As we know, laughter is the BEST medicine.

    Much Love today and always...sending you HUGS and a SMILE. Let me know if you need me...I'm always here ;)


  2. Hi Deni!

    So sorry you have to live with this uncertainty.
    Life is so hard sometimes .
    I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better but Im afraid I dont have them .
    What I can do is to give you my support and ask you not to give up and keep the hope that life will surprise you in a good way in the future ( near future I hope ; ) )
    This cant last forever and I pray that soon , very soon life will surprise you in a positive way and you will be surprised with all the good things.
    Dont give up hope sweet Deni .
    You need a break to get everything out and you need to be extra good to yourself for a while so that you regain your strength
    I will pray a special prayer for you tonight - Love Angie

  3. Deni,

    I understand these thoughts so well---and it is the devil playing on our fears, our insecurities, our heartaches. But you are so right. God is the same God today that He was yesterday and will be tomorrow and we can ALWAYS rely on that. Know that you are loved and prayed for. xxx

  4. Deni,

    I know that feeling, I've had them on and off so many times and you are right, it's never fun. But you remain faithful and you must know that you will be rewarded. I know that it's hard (in some ways ) to imagine but remember and think on all job went through and in the end God rewarded him double for his troubles, and the reward didn't come during just a few little hard times but his reward came out of one of the most trying times in his life. It may seem like so much is going on and the enemy is on you like crazy, but it's because he knows what God is getting ready to do for you and he doesn't want that to happen. He wants you to doubt and not trust, he wants you down and to lose hope, but we know the faithful person that you are and that's not gonna happen. It's okay to have concerns, but as you know, God is awesome and you are gonna get through. You are gonna make it, you will be fine. You're gonna be more than fine, because you are blessed and highly favored in the lord. as david said in psalms37 "yet have i not seen the righteous forsaken."
    and you know that you won't be. Just hold on my friend, know that i am thinking of you, rooting for you and praying for you.

  5. Oh sweet friend...sorry to make you cry, but if you needed it, glad you had it. I just didn't want to forget.

    That faith is just so hard. I sort of wrote about it today--I know that it is only through the grace of God that we are able to breathe, and I know this last few months have shown that we CAN survive...can make it through the unimaginable and still be able to give God thanks for blessings...

    But it doesn't take away the fear that comes in knowing that life is still hard...and that things hurt...and though we know will survive them, it certainly doesn't mean that we want to go through more pain.

    It's human to not want to suffer. That's why it is so easy for us hear Satan whisper when it seems like God can scream at us and we still don't hear Him. We're human...and the enemy uses our humanity against us.

    Seeing Calas all over my garden and just thrilled to know a sweet baby girl is coming soon! I picked a little something for her up this weekend (nothing big!) so email me your address so I can send it!!


  6. Deni,

    I'm so grateful for your honesty. I think we buy into this concept that we can't allow ourselves to question or to hurt when in reality that's the healthiest thing we can do, especially when we're taking those questions and hurts to God. Excited to see what He has in store for you & Cala! Thanks again for sharing your heart!

  7. Indeed, those doubts are hard to deal with and they tend to keep finding a way into our minds. But God IS good (all the time) and nothing is impossible with Him. Keep reminding yourself of that when you feel doubt and fear. Those are definitely natural and normal emotions to feel but I think it's good to know how to face them head on. I, too, am excited to see what God has in store for you, my friend!

  8. I'm so glad you were able to get in a good cry! Oh how we need these every once in awhile...sometimes more often than others. I am continuing to pray for you!!