I've come and started a number of posts tonight, but there really aren't words for what I'm feeling right now. Or maybe it's just that they aren't words that I want to put on here.
So, I'll do what I usually do, and I'll just be honest. I just read Lori's blog where she tells the story of the birth and death of sweet Matthew. I bawled my eyes out. It was cathartic for me. Do you know that feeling where things are so very overwhelming that you know you need to cry, but you can't? That's where I was, so I thank her and her husband both for writing their story, so I could get out a good long cry.
I am a faithful person, and I know that God is good, and I know that fear is from the devil, but 'beans' if it doesn't just sneak up on you and sometimes swallow you whole. Somehow, satan keeps seeming to sneak in and steal my joy, to put all kinds of doubt in my mind, and to make me imagine that the worst is about to come. Maybe it is. Maybe July will come and we won't bring home a baby. These are my thoughts. I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I do. They stop for a day or two, maybe a few weeks, but then they come back and they torment me like some movie I've seen where evil spirits dance around someone. Maybe like in "Where the Wild Things Are" where they are dancing and singing around that little boy. Could it be that after so much loss and heartache in trying to become a mother, that I no longer believe that I can get my happily-ever-after? Some days that is how I feel. Today is one of those days. These days make you feel so isolated, so alone, so empty that you're not sure how to move forward. I don't care for these days even a little bit.
I continuously have to remind myself of the miracles that have already occured in my life. I remind myself that God is good, ALL THE TIME, that He is unchanging when everything around me is in constant flux. Whatever comes, whatever I face, whatever I'm tried with next is no match for my God. And I march forward. But for tonight, I'm exhausted, and NEED sleep, so I'm going to try that next.
This week was a beautiful one for me. I went on a mission trip to New Orleans, and I LOVE that city. I have for years, and have always wanted to live there, though that may never happen. To be able to go there and help provide a home for someone who doesn't have one, well, that my dear is just plain goodness. To see the hearts of the college students who went with us, to hear their love for God, to see the love that they continuously show to people around them regardless of that person's situation, that is priceless. Each day I am grateful that God has allowed me to work in youth ministry. Having two hilarious co-workers is just icing on that cake. I didn't want to move to Tyler, but I know I'm here for a reason and that God is so good.
(Sometimes you just have to write to get back into perspective!!).
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