"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Monday, June 20, 2011

Husbands and IF or Baby Loss

So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility.  I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways.  He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply.  He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say".  He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.

Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too.  Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me".  So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too.  He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).

I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple.  We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard.  My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do.  I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.

If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time.  I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.

Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things.  My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.


  1. So true! I am also one of the 'lucky' ones as this has definitely tested our marriage, but luckily for us it lead to a lot of talking and we both know we're in this together. I sometimes feel alone when it seems that I remember dates and that I grieve more than my husband, but this Father's Day I knew it wasn't true - I got my husband a Father's Day card from our baby and he completely broke down and cried when he read it. They may not blog, write, cry or scream as much as we do, but I know they feel the loss and grieve just as much.

  2. I can totally relate. Our marriage has certainly been tested beyond anything I ever imagined. I still remember the priest we talked to before we were married asking us how we thought we would handle all of lifes challenges that would surely come our way and change our lives and our relationship. Funny thing is that we all knew that while answering that question we couldn't really "answer" it as we had no idea how we'd handle hard times when we had never had hard times at that point.

    All I know is that this "hard time" has been beyond anything I ever thought possible...and NOT in a good way. I never imagined we'd deal with all of this sh*t! And all in the first year of marriage. I never though I'd end up in MARRIAGE counseling after only 15 months of marriage. It sucks.

    That being said, we are doing much much better and I no longer fear that we're heading in two different directions but there are certainly reminders and its certainly work. But well worth it! And I hope I always feel that way!

    I wish I had advice for others. But I guess I still feel like such a newbie in all this myself sometimes. I guess I just hope that people get over that fear and embarrassment and actually reach out for help when its needed.

  3. Great post. and such an important topic. I know it was hard for us through IF and after our loss b/c we dealt with it so differently. My biggest lesson was to not expect my husband's reaction to mirror my own- I needed to let him be. Easier said then done.
    sending love to you !!!