So, I have thought about this a lot, and while my husband is no saint, he sure has been great throughout our losses and infertility. I've often wondered how deeply it affects him and know that he lets me know in subtle ways. He has his own fears and phobias and I know that while he doesn't remember exact dates like I do (what man does?) our experiences have touched him deeply. He's certainly not one for mushy gushy stuff and oftentimes if I mention anything he changes the subject or simply responds with an "I don't know what to say". He doesn't get as irate as I do about people saying or doing stupid things, but he gets his own degree of frustrated with people.
Sometimes I think that he never thinks about it like I do, but then he'll make a comment, or have a reaction and I know that it's on his mind sometimes too. Certainly the feelings aren't the same for men, they don't carry the children, and so they don't feel so much of the failure aspect that we as mothers do, but he's expressed his concerns before as to it "having something to do with me". So, again without massive conversations I know he worries too. He worries about all kinds of things, currently it is the lack of middle back seat to put a car seat in (which I'm not nearly so anxious about--funny huh?!!?).
I have to say that I know that infertility and loss reek havoc on a marriage oftentimes, and I know that I am blessed that it didn't tear us apart, but actually strengthened us as a couple. We've learned to talk more, we've learned how to grieve and how to let one another grieve differently, which can be very hard. My husband is my best friend, he's a constant support, he is there for me in all aspects of my life and encourages me in anything that I want to do or don't want to do. I'm very blessed, very very blessed and I know it.
If your marriage has suffered from infertility and loss, please know that I send you so much love and support and prayers to make it through this hard time. I'm certainly not trying to rub it in either that my experience hasn't been detrimental to my marriage, it has been tested for sure, but at this point it is thriving and I pray the same for all couples who endure this trial.
Feel free to leave any thoughts on the subject as I know so many people have so many different experiences and advice if you have any for people going through these things. My advice is to communicate, communicate, communicate, even when you want to crawl in a hole and never come out! It's way harder to communicate than to shut down, but more effective to talk it out, even if that means a screaming session or two, or needing to see a counselor, or seeking guidance from a pastor or trusted friend or family member.
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