Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!

Next step in the Adoption

Today we got the paperwork that we had to have notorized that will set us up a hearing to be pre-approved for Cala's placement with us following her adoption. Seems like a big thing to me and it makes me excited as this feels more and more real. I think for those who haven't been through this they can't understand, but for me this is so hard to believe. And I know in the back of my head that this could end poorly. I don't know how our birthmother could provide for this baby girl, but I know that she has every right in the world to change her mind in the end. This baby is hers biologically, and while I feel that she was made for us, I know that she wasn't made by us. She will always have two "mothers" no matter what anyone says or does, and that also is hard for me. I want to have her all to myself, but know that that will never be the case, no matter how I behave, so I ought to do what is best for Cala and give her all the information that I can about her birthmother and support her in every way that I can, which may include one day finding her birthmother.

I pray that this goes according to our plan, but I know that ultimately it is HIS plan and I'll continue by faith and not by sight to trust the one who loves me the most. I just honestly pray now that His will is the same as mine currently :).

All of that being said, our birth mother is 29 weeks 5 days today. That leaves 10 weeks and 2 days until Cala's due date!! Who thinks she'll come on time? Who thinks she'll be early? Who thinks she'll be late? I'll take your guesses and votes and whoever wins will get a piece of jewelry from Mama Mia . I'll take guesses on her weight and length too and award winners in those two categories as well!! Come on ladies, get to guessing!!!!