Something I must repeat

to myself over and over again. 2 Timothy 1:7 "But the Lord did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind." I do find myself afraid of many things. I think once you've lost a baby, you live in a state of fear. When you've not been pregnant in 16 months, you are again filled with fear. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I end up with children? I know, I know, yes, I will, of course, some how, some way. At what cost? People who don't suffer losses and infertility don't understand the things that go along with fertility treatment both physically and mentally, and at times spiritually. It is exhausting!!

Today I had my HSG done. My appointment was for 8:30am (please remember that it is almost 2 hours away from my house, so I drove last night), and they didn't even call me back until 9:30. Seriously, while I watched two people bring in their children, one girl looked maybe 20, maybe. The other couldn't be bothered to get up and pick her child up off the floor while he crawled towards the automatic doors. The procedure itself only lasted about 10 mins, maybe. It was painful for a few minutes, but that didn't last long and I haven't felt bad today, just a little bloated. This was done in the outpatient clinic with a Radiologist who was very nice, and told me that everything looked great, no problems that he could see. I got a CD-ROM copy to take to the RE. Yes, that's good news.

Afterwards, I trucked it with my trusty sidekick, Brittany, who accompanied me to Dallas, so I didn't have to travel alone (Thanks Britt!!) to a completely different building to go to my RE's office for a blood draw. No, didn't need to see the RE, just needed blood draw for the Natural Killer cell test, so it could be overnighted to Chicago for testing. I sat there for over 30 mins. There was not another person there, not a single other person. I didn't see or hear another person there when I went back to get my blood drawn. Why the heck did I have to wait for 30 mins? Seriously, they knew I was coming. It was annoying.

With two good test results so far, we wait for the results from the two blood tests. They said the NK test would take 7-10 days. The other test we're waiting on should be in by next Friday, so I'm hoping they are both here by then. I'm scared about what we might learn, but really I'm scared that we won't learn anything at all, we will be out even more money with no new answers, and therefore, no plan to work on from here. Then I have to tell myself that God didn't give me this spirit of fear, that this is from satan and that he is lying to tell me that we might never end up with a baby.

Then I try to cling on and on to the promises that I know are true, that God will not allow me to be tested beyond what I can bear. I know that God is good, that He has good plans for me, plans for me to prosper. I need to give a shout out to a few people who really have been great to me over the past few weeks, months, years, really, but they shouldn't go without mention...

First, my sweet husband, who tolerates my neurosis and loves me anyway. He always lifts me up and encourages me and I am so blessed to have him on this journey with me!

Then I must thank Julie, Britt, Shawn, Emily W, Andrea, Nan, Shandrea, Angie, Bree, Rachel, Gracie, Amanda, Karla, Leah, Caryn, Mom, and Rene'. I know that there are others, I'm sorry if I missed you, but for my sweet friends who support me so much I'm forever grateful!!

Another BLM

A sweet friend of mine is experiencing her second loss today. She has an adorable little boy, but lost twins prior to his birth, and has had a long hard road to having children. This breaks my heart. She and her husband are good, stable, God-loving people who have so much to offer a child. It is so unfair that they are the ones experiencing this loss, not the maybe 16 year old girl that I saw at a gas station today, with her boyfriend who could only put $1 worth of gas in their car, who looked to be about 5-6 months pregnant. Seriously?!?!? These two clearly had no business having a baby, yet there she is with a healthy pregnancy and my sweet friend is losing a baby. It is frustrating and I know I shouldn't be judging and I shouldn't worry about what other people have, etc, etc.

This leads me to a conversation that my friend, Keiah (She wrote "Aftermath" the book I was raving about--google it!) and I had today. We were talking about waiting and about being jealous not of the husband or child that others had, but that they were living the life we wanted, being jealous of their situation, and how we really had to focus on Him and not on everyone else and what they have. That fit right in with a great post from my other dear friend, Shandrea, check it out here. What I have to say after a day like today is that I really am blessed with great friends who have huge hearts for God and I am so grateful for them and their accountability!

So, please say some prayers for my friend, GG, and her sweet hubby, B, and son, N! They are hurting so badly, a second loss does something different to your mind than just one, but praying that they will have peace, and healing!

This is post # 99!!! Awesome, number 100 will come soon!