"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Still Sad

I think so many people believe that once you have a baby you are "over" your losses or infertility, or maybe they're just tired of hearing about it and wish you'd be over it. Regardless there are still days that I see a child close to 4 and wonder exactly what my first daughter wouldve looked like. Would she have been bald like me, or chunky with rolls? Would she have had the shy personality that Foxy had as a little kid (which I still have a hard time in visioning)? Or would my second child presumably a boy have had strawberry blonde hair like Foxy or big bug eyes like I did? Would they have been mischievous or sassy or timid or loud? There is no way to know and yet my heart can't help but wonder. Some days I still feel a strong pull to put on my necklace that symbolizes them. Obviously I wouldn't trade one child for the other and Sugar has brought about a kind of healing that couldn't be found without her. But I still wonder, when I hear of another's loss I am brought back to the exam room in 2008 where the doctor calmly and matter-of-factly said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat". There had been on only days before, this baby looked perfectly on target, how could that be? And my heart breaks for the pain someone new knows.

Then there is the looming infertility. I didn't get a quick fix and now all systems are go, I am still infertile. Getting pregnant still doesn't happen easily and if by the off chance it did happen, the likelihood is that it would end in miscarriage again. Currently we are stalled, waiting to try again while we sit in limbo awaiting the sale of a house (or two) because we can't afford the costly treatment to try again until then. That's something that many infertiles know, that money can prevent babies, yet there are plenty of unwanted unplanned and poorly cared for children being born daily. It's a sad sad situation and it breaks my heart at times. Today I'm feeling yucky, the stomach virus has besieged our house and that is making blue feelings even more blue.

I feel I always need to add a disclaimer that I am immensely happy and thrilled with my gorgeous, funny, happy, healthy daughter. She is the best thing going, but as too many people know joy and heartache can live simultaneously in one body.


  1. Isn't it such a hard place to be? How can we feel such sorrow and such joy at the same time? I think we know greater joy becuase we have felt the greatest sorrow. I understand your pain and your joy! Hugs sister friend! I am sorry you are having the yuckies, know you are in good company!

  2. you. Totally get you.

  3. Totally understanding you and sending (((hugs)))

  4. I am so sorry for your sadness! I have a beautiful 6 1/2 year old daughter we adopted after infertility and a 4 year old son from IVF and a 2 year old daughter from IVF. After 9 years of TTC we were shocked to discover ourselves pg on 12/31. At 9 w 5 d we went for an ultrasound and found no heartbeat. Our joy at the surprise turned to sadness and I find after the miscarriage I melt into tears at something slight sometimes. I think the loss is always with you no matter what other miracles have landed. I am already worried about how I'll feel on what would have been the due date in August! Hang in there and know it's ok to feel the loss and sadness from does not go away because you have children!!

  5. ((((HUGS)))) I can completely relate at this point, all the happiness and excitement I feel doens't take away from the sadness and hurt I felt (still feel) for the last 3 and a half years...its such an odd mix of emotions and catches me off guard quite often. Hang in there! And hope you're feeling better!

  6. I so get it. Gosh, you know how to put it into words so well. *tear*....Love you!!!