"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Monday, April 15, 2013

Four years and more tears

My first baby was due on this day four years ago. Until last year it was always a huge wonder as to if that date would've been anywhere near accurate, but considering C came a day after my due date, I'd venture to guess that Layla would have made her debut today or tomorrow as well. No one really knows obviously, but the truth is that this day hit me much harder this year than it has in the past two years. I attribute that to having a living child now and being acutely more aware of what I missed with the loss of my first two children. I'm always grateful to the friends I have that remember this day with me, you will never know how much that means to me. I started my day with a tough workout of stadiums and track sprints, I run to relieve my frustrations and sadness. I commented to my friend that Boston was happening as we ran and just how exciting that was, runners get giddy about Boston even if we aren't there, or ever think we might be there!

I have shed a plethora of tears today that weren't about me or Layla, but as a runner, my heart is completely broken for the runners and their families, the volunteers, the support personnel, the spectators, the runners turned heros, the lost and injured, and the people who couldn't complete the race in Boston. For me being a part of the baby loss community is one that blankets you in love and support, for those who aren't also runners, just know that the running community is the same way! I've finished two marathons and 11 half-marathons and let me just tell you that the love and support of this community is much like the one we all know here. It warms my heart to know that runners who had just spent all their energy and reserves on this race turned around and offered aid to those who were hurt, it speaks volumes for the character and it offers hope in a world that seems so dark and so tragic at times! People who had just spent hours on foot running 26.2 miles continued on foot to hospitals to donate blood. I could barely put one foot in front of the other after my marathons and can't imagine turning around and donating blood, but that's what we do when faced with tragedy, we as runners, baby loss moms, Americans, human beings, we step up for one another! My heart is broken tonight that my favorite past time/hobby has been tainted like this, that the hard work and glory of so many has been stolen from them as celebration isn't in the air as it should be.

I'm sending all of my love and prayers to Boston, to the victims, their families, to those who saw this horrific event first hand! Tomorrow I'll be wearing a race shirt in honor of those who lived this and those who didn't survive, as a sign of solidarity for the running community, join me please!


  1. HI Deni, I'm so sorry this is such a hard time for you right now. I can't say I know what it feels like, coz I don't. Thanks for sharing your insight about Boston and as I runner. I am not a runner so I cannot relate to running the marathon, though my DH ran one a long time ago. But Boston is on my mind and in my prayers. Hugs to you.

  2. thinking of you and sending much love always

  3. Thinking and praying for you Deni. And also with the people affected by the tragedy in Boston.

  4. Sending you hugs dear friend both as you remember Layla and you reflect on the horrible happenings in Boston. My dad ran it a few years back and he had his jacket on today... so surreal... I think of how many marathons my brother, mom and I went to to watch him cross that finish line. My heart just breaks. I have no idea why people do such things, but the good people have a way to shine through for me... the helpers... the ones giving blood... the ones praying... and the ones wearing their shirts and jackets today to show solidarity. Goes to show that no one ever goes it alone no matter what the tragedy! (((hugs))) L