"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Monday, April 16, 2012

Three years later

Three years ago yesterday was my first EDD (expected/estimated due date).  There seems to be something about the three year mark that hits us BLMs kinda hard.  I'm not really sure what that is, as it doesn't seem like a significant timeframe for any specific reason.  Maybe it's that people think by now we shouldn't even remember anymore that our babies were due on this date.  For me, this year was hard on this date, moreso than last, as I feel last year I was in such anticipation of my rainbow baby, but this year, it was more of a reminder of what wasn't there.  Having a child makes the pain much easier in some ways, but in others it just makes you see even more what you missed out on before.  I doubt that will make sense to people who haven't been there, but for those of us who have, when we look at our children we now know just how much love is there, how having a child changes everything and we wonder.  We will always wonder, what would that child have been like?

I'm not sure what all caused it, but yesterday was marked by a migraine and hubby working, which left me solo with the migraine, and really solo with the thoughts in my head, as this isn't something that he remembers.  Luckily I do have some sweet friends who do remember and I got some sweet messages.  I also talked to a friend who is still waiting for her child, and I think that made me even more sad, because it breaks my heart to watch people continue to wait, to dream about being parents and watch it happen all around them.  Being in that place is gut-wrenching, sad, lonely, and painful and I wish I could protect people from it.  Another friend of mine suffered a miscarriage last week, which I mentioned already, but her fresh pain made me sad all over, deep within my soul, as I know that pain.  I know the ache, the emptiness, and the crash of "well meant" sentiments that are really more like daggers stabbing you repeatedly.

Three years seems to long and so short, so much has happened and changed. I am a different person, and for that I am grateful, as I think it's made me a better person, but I am a person who bears scars that will never go away. Mostly I am grateful for all of the wonderful people I have met on this journey, who know my feelings, celebrate their kids the way I do, can sympathize with complete joy and sadness intermingling, and who have helped me walk this journey thusfar!

Today, I reflect on yesterday and I think it was a hard day, and I'll never think "it was worth it" to lose my first (or second) child, but I do know that I am a better mommy than I would have been and I hope my children can always see that.

Love and kisses to heaven to my sweet girl, Layla!  Mommy loves you!


  1. Understanding all too well...wishing she were with you and wondering beside you. Love you sweet friend xxxooo

  2. I know what you mean. I was just talking with my husband this weekend about how thankful I am to have our rainbow baby, but the pain of losing our first baby cuts even deeper now. Now I truly know all of the things I missed with him or her. It was three years for me in January and it truly never goes away. I am so thankful you wrote this down. It reminds me that what I am feeling is something you are feeling too. Maybe I am not so far off base after all. Sending you hugs and thinking of you and Layla.

  3. thinking of you and your sweet little one. I find it so interesting how the loss/ pain changes over time and these dates change with it somehow. Always here to remember along with you

  4. ((Hugs))
    Thinking of you today...

  5. Hi Deni

    I have been missing as the whole family had a terrible cold ( Simons first ) now we are better though : )

    I love this post as I feel similar to you often .
    I often think about how our two angels would be now and to see one of my best friends little boy is always bittersweet as our angel Adam was due just a few weeks after him.
    He is so sweet and I adore him but when I see him I always cant help thinking about what could have been .
    I also wonder how Layla would have been , its such a lovely name .
    Also like you I hate infertility and miscarriage and it breaks my heart to see friends struggle with it .
    Im my heart I still struggle with it as I havent forgotten those days when our heart were heavy not knowing if we were ever going to have children .When thinking about the future and trying to conceive again I feel the old fear again .
    The omnly good thing is that I am a better person and I am a better mother because of what I went through .
    I am very very grateful that we have our earthly baby to love and make us smile .
    Sending you and Cala big hugs , Love Angie