"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Saturday, August 25, 2012

What to say...

So, my last post was kinda don't do this, don't do that.  And I'm not the least bit sorry for that, I think that when you know how your words hurt someone it helps you to use them in a better way.  I hope that for myself.  I've caught myself saying things that I realized afterward were hurtful and have also found myself apologizing for those things that I said.

Anyhow, on Pinterest the other day I found this and thought it perfect...
People think that you bringing up someone's dead baby is going to bring them down, but the truth is a recognition that we lost something means more than anything else you can do.  Just because you don't mention it doesn't mean it didn't happen and it doesn't mean that we don't think about it.  I'm a few years out now from having lost two pregnancies and then suffering a fraud situation with adoption, it does not hurt me for anyone to mention that.  It's ok to say, so  do you still think about your babies?  Is it different now than it was a few years ago?  What can I say to a friend who is going through what you went through?  Do you still get sad about your losses?

I promise you mentioning this to someone if you are genuinely curious or care won't hurt at all and will most likely make the person smile inside because they feel remembered.  You're not bringing up something that they forgot about.  When I worked in nursing homes the old ladies would tell me about losses and things that happened years ago.  One of my IRL friends still works in a nursing home and there are women there who have opened up to her about their losses that they never discussed with anyone.  Loss is loss and not talking about it doesn't change or take it away!

I will say that if you feel the need in any loss situation to start with "At least..." please stop there and know that what you're going to say will probably offend them on some level.  When you don't know what to say, simply say that you care, that you're thinking of them, that you are praying for the, that you are sorry for what has happened.  And if you don't understand, say that you don't understand, don't try to pretend that you do, just say that you care.  Today I found myself saying something to a friend and had to clarify that I wanted them to know I don't understand their situation, but that I hope they are at peace with the outcome.  

Knowing what to say is almost always impossible, so less is best, but anything is probably better than nothing.  

***It is always sad to me for a new person to be added to this Baby Loss community and I ask some really special prayers for one of Sean's classmates, who lost his daughter this week.  There are no words that can express my heartbreak for them, but I pray they can reach out to this community and find the love and support that I have and that as a couple God will work with them together to heal their broken hearts!***


  1. wonderful post and so very true. I never understand this- as if it is the bringing it up that is going to upset, yeah right. I think ultimately people are babies who tend to avoid situations that make them uncomfortable, such cowards.

    Your comment on my blog meant the world to me. I am so glad my words spoke to you in some way. I hope this is beginning of healing for you and your husband.
    love to you....

  2. Hi Deni ,
    I have missed your posts , totally agree with what you say,you describe it so good.
    We are all different and handle our losses in different ways but I think the pain of loss is similar for everyone that is unfortunate to experience it .
    To not talk about it doesnt make it dissapear ,we will always carry the grief in our hearts even if the pain becomes more manageable it is still there with us everywhere we go ,every day.
    We " move on " and do all the things we have to do but we never forget .
    And I agree that talking about it never makes me depressed ,but other peoples ignorance can make me sad.
    Sending you hugs , miss you - Angie