I'm not sure what it is...

But right now, lately, I keep thinking about my babies, keep missing them.  My heart grabs towards them and wants to know them, wants to see them, wants to know who they are and how they are.  I know in my heart that they are happy, taken care of by the ultimate Father, but sometimes I wish I could just see them even just in a dream.

I used to wear this necklace every single day, and while I don't do that anymore, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think their names and on the days I'm utterly compelled to wear it I always do and I pray my babies can feel my love for them!!

This is so true!

I remember hating hearing people complain about pregnancy and child birth. I know pregnancy isn't always wonderful, believe me I puked for 38 wks, but I wouldn't trade it, so be sensitive to who you complain around, please!

Surreal

It is surreal to me that four years ago I was in a hospital having a D&C and today I have been following my little monkey all over the house and can stare at her on the monitor while she sleeps.

Having Cala has been a salve on my wounds, but there are times when it makes me wonder so much.  What would Layla have looked like, what would her personality have been, or how different would my life be right now with a 3.5 year old? Those things are hard not to consider.  I will forever remember the joy I had at that first time I had a positive pregnancy test, and I will never forget the deafening silence the day there was no longer a heartbeat there on the screen.  That day changed me forever, in ways both good and bad.  I am so grateful for the beauty that God has brought from ashes, but I won't use the term "worth it" ever.  No life is ever "worth" another.

When infertility continues to be part of your life and loss has happened to you, you are changed and you see the world in a different  light.  The loss is obviously not a raw and painful, and for that I am grateful, but I believe I will always wonder and always question.  While I believe the timing of us becoming parents ended up being "good", who can say that had we been parents before that it would've been "bad".  I don't believe that.  That isn't how I view the world or God.  I think that God allows bad things to happen because the world is full of sin, but that He can always bring good from the sadness.  He can use every tragedy that is there and make something beautiful from it!!

Today and every day I miss Layla and hope she is in heaven playing with my BLM friends' heavenly children, as well as her brother, Michael!