Melancholy

I have had a nagging feeling lately that I couldn't pinpoint until today...it's melancholy. I'm not sad, I'm not upset. I'm actually happy, but there is an underlying melancholy that is there.

The thing is, this feeling seems as though it happens to me when I'm not aware at all! Truly it feels like something that "happens" to me, almost like getting sick, it's as if you can feel it coming on, but you cannot prevent it. 

You see, last year at this time I was in the wait after an FET. We didn't publicize this, which may seem strange as open as I am with our journey, but we didn't and that was best for us then. What I didn't realize then was just how sad I was at the time. I guess I suppressed it and ignored the emotions. Recently I've been thinking a lot about that cycle, I assume because it's been a year. 

What happened then was that the cycle was rushed, I wasn't able to take the rest that I needed afterwards. Then the stomach virus fell on our house and it hit me so hard that I ended up in the ER. So kindly the doc did a beta (without us asking, or indicating a need), which he informed my husband was negative. So I'm writhing in pain from sickness, bleeding esophagus, and misery across the board, then I hear that my beta is negative. Talk about a BAD night! Foxy tried to encourage me that there was still time, but I've done this enough and there was no feasible way. I knew. I still had my blood drawn on the day, but I knew.  In June I thought multiple times about how "if it had worked" I'd have a newborn. But I don't and now I've suffered another fail. 

September is also when I had my first miscarriage and somehow it always lingers. I feel a tug at my heart and a longing for what could have been.

This is the strange thing...I think people who have experienced loss will get this, but it truly is like a visitor comes and sits in your house unannounced and waits for you to notice him. This grief, this melancholy, this weight, seems to show up somehow some way on a regular basis. 

So I'm melancholy and wishing there were more babies in my house and that probably explains the addition of our newest fur baby...T'Gris (little gray)!