Many of you probably know the song Oceans by Hillsong, if you don't here's a link.
God communicates with me through music. It is how I worship most fully and feel the most connected to him. Foxy feels it in nature, I feel it in music. Many times on Sunday mornings I'll have tears streaming down my face because I feel Him so strongly in those moments.
When we were approached about adopting #BIT we had been quite burned by adoption and were not in the process at the time. In fact, we were planning on doing another IVF cycle within the next 6 months. This kinda struck us even though we had passed on an adoption a few months before. That time had a PTSD moment and basically cried like a wild animal that I couldn't do that again. Obviously the difference with B was that God ordained his adoption long before we imagined it. Where does music come into this? No, I'm not just rambling!
In certain seasons of my life I feel like God gives me "anthems" if you will. Songs to cling to for a time, songs that hold my heart when I cannot hold it myself. The Sunday after we were told about B "Oceans" was done during worship. I had heard the song before but that morning tears just flowed like a waterfall, I could not contain them. And I KNEW, I just knew that this little boy was meant to be ours. Little did I know this anthem would hold my heart for over two years and keep my feet on the ground and hold me upright more times than I could count.
One of the blessings of this rough time period was that I got to see Hillsong in concert with some dear girlfriends who were walking my journey alongside me. In beginning moments of that song I was not sure I would be able to stand up, my anxiety and grief at the way this process had been dragging was so profound that I felt like I might drown in an ocean of despair. Again and again God used this song with these lyrics to speak so many things to my soul.
What I love immensely about God is that He can handle all of us. Praise Him for that, because there were times I was pathetic, angry, unreasonable, and hateful. I felt utmost gratitude that it was not directed at Him as it had been after my miscarriages, but I knew even if it was He could handle it because he had held me through that before.
Tonight my sweet boy was needing lots of extra snuggles, which I gladly obliged, and he spouted off his usual song requests...Twinkle, Sunshine, Sunshine again and again. I asked him if he wanted to hear Oceans and he said "yeah Oceans". So I sang it and then he asked for it again and again and I held him so tight thinking of the journey we had traveled to be right where we are now, where my precious little boy could request the song that carried us through this trying time. I cried and tears ran down my face and onto his sweet head and I wondered if he would ever know just how much I loved him and how deep that love runs?
Through the past two years I struggled to keep my eyes on God. He was aware and He continually put people in my path to encourage me and that list is so long! I am beyond grateful! He also called me to do something I said I would never do, which was get a tattoo, or maybe He meant something else...only time will tell. I prayed over the idea for well over a year and one day saw a tattoo idea that I fell in love with because it said simply...Spirit Lead Me. Now it sits permanently on my wrist as a daily reminder to follow Him and not my wild thoughts. One day I'll tell B the story and hopefully he will follow God in all that he does. That is my biggest prayer, that my children love God above all else and love others as themselves.
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