But none of them are falling. My heart feels both broken and alive at once. You see when you lose babies your life never feels exactly complete without them with you, for they've taken a piece of you with them, literally, your blood, your oxygen, your DNA, and it's a void. Then there's the beauty of life after that which in some cases is blessed with a child or children. There's a fullness there that could honestly make your heart burst right out of your chest, a love so deep, so wide, so strong, and so beautiful that you wonder if you ever really saw a rainbow before them. The catch twenty-two to this is it is almost as if you would never have seen that rainbow so bright without the storm that proceeded it.
In having my baby that lives with me day in and day out, I find that it makes me miss what was before, makes me wonder, makes me wax nostalgic, making my heart skip a beat at times when there is a child the same age that mine would be. Getting to see the beauty in the magnificent face I see every day makes me wish there was more. Sometimes it is about the more before her and sometimes it is about the possibility of more after her.
So we stand here in this chasm of complete JOY, because she is JOY personified, and complete emptiness of what could be, what should be, what would have been. As we stand all we continue to hear is "wait". I have never been known for my overwhelming patience, and when all you can feel is "wait", that's hard to swallow and hold onto. That's the thing about faith though, it often says "wait" and sometimes we mistake that or ignore that and bring more grief upon ourselves than God ever intended or than we were ever meant to bear.
That being being said, I sit tonight and I "wait" and in the same stillness, the same holding pattern, I live my life without abandon in regards to the love I lavish on my child and my heart feels amazingly full. How strange a thing to feel empty and full simultaneously. How hard it is for a mother's love to be split between the seen and the unseen. How strange a world we live in where some people know exactly how this feels and some might think me mad.
Makes me want to write a country song, or maybe that was the binge watching of Nashville that I just finished!