The flip of the coin...

Some of you who blog may now know who my friend is that lost her baby last week, if so please go send her love, if not you can email me and ask. It seems so unfair to me and it makes me pretty mad to be honest! We were very excited to be going through pregnancy together, as mommies who have lost babies, it's nice to have someone who understands the complexities of being pregnant after loss, and now for her it's all sadness and tragedy over again. It makes me mad that we don't get to share this and mad that she got pregnant only to lose another baby.

Being on this side has taught me some about those who have surrounded me in my losses and how hard it must have been for them in knowing how to reach me, how to help me, and how to be there for me. I must say that there were a few people who, without understanding or having been there were amazing friends and I hope you know that I will never forget that! Then there were others who didn't know how to handle it and so didn't do so well, or somewhat avoided me and the situation, and while it hurt me, I can see how that would be the case, more now than I could while I was neck deep in grief. It's hard for me as I want to be there for my friend constantly and yet I feel like I am a constant reminder to what she has lost (I must say, she hasn't made me feel this way, she is still being as happy for me as can be). I know things people said that bothered me and I make it a point not to say those things. I make it a point to say the things that helped me (which were few), but mostly just to let her vent and talk and say whatever she needs to, whenever she needs without judgment (I couldn't judge I've said/felt all of those things too). My point here being, it's strange to be on the flip side, and I'm very happy that I am, but so so so very sad for my friend as I know the deep chasm of pain she's feeling. This is her fourth loss, so I won't even pretend to know how profoundly this is affecting her, but I will try to be there.

This leads me to a final point that I feel should be addressed and I don't mean to offend anyone, but only to explain why this would be touchy. So many people say so many things that they intend to be helpful and that they mean very well by, but some of the things people say end up hurting way more than helping, my case in point for today is this comment (that most all moms who have miscarried more than once have heard)...

"I would gladly be a surrogate for you".

I know that this is meant in the best way possible and that in all actuality it would be one of the biggest sacrifices ever for someone to make for me or anyone else who can't carry a baby, but let me tell you what a newly BLM hears...

You can't carry a baby on your own. My body works better than yours. You are broken, I am not. I can do something that you can't do. I have no faith that you will ever accomplish what you are trying to hard to accomplish. I can make babies and you can't. I can do what God created us to do and you can't.

I know, I know, no one who offers that means any of the above statements AT ALL and when we are rational and not hurting so badly, we get that and every once in a while appreciate it, but the fact is, we never give up on hoping that our bodies won't fail us. Most of us have NEVER considered surrogacy, and probably wouldn't choose that route first and foremost. It is a kind gesture, but maybe say something like "I wish I could take this pain from you and prevent it from happening" because once we are rational and feeling semi-normal (we never are the same person again) we know that's what you really mean. So thank you so much for the kind offer, for caring enough to want to take the pain, and for being there for us, just know that offer actually hurts more than it helps (unless we approach you about doing something of the sort).

My fascination with Autism

Not everyone knows this about me, but I am fascinated with autistic children (among other special needs), but I loved working with them. Had you asked my supervisor in my clinicals in grad school, she would probably never have expected me to say that, though she told me from early on how good I was with them. I had a difficult time in my Preverbal rotation to say the least...my first kid dropped out, my second kid came for like 2 days then his mother was put on bed rest and she couldn't bring him anymore, and my third kid was well, AWESOME!!! I won't post his name, but after he bulldozed me into the door a few times and I wondered if he would ever like me, we became fast friends and I still think about him to this day. He was a big kid for his age and his smile was bigger than his face! I say my experience was difficult because I didn't know what I was doing and had so much transition (which I took as a sign that I shouldn't be there, I thought I wanted to work with adults at the time), and then 'huge smile' fell during our therapy one day. Actually, it wasn't a fall at all, it was a mis-step. He was coming down the little step stool to the sink, mis-stepped and kinda twisted his leg, which made him cry and the day was almost over, so we just rocked until mommy picked him up and I thought not a lot of it. Apparently, neither did mommy until 'huge smile' slept for hours and was still whiny, turns out 'huge smile' broke his femur, yes that is the huge bone in your thigh! What!?!? I was devastated and cried when she told me. I felt like such a failure, but she wasn't phased by it and 'huge smile' wasn't slowed down a bit! He came in two days later full leg cast (and an extra 20 lbs it felt like) and I carried him around until my supervisor told me I was gonna have permanent back problems from it, so we had to bring in his stroller! 'Huge smile' LOVED food, I mean loved it, when we'd leave snack time, he would shoot back down the hall towards the snack room for more after he already had two servings of snack! LOL! When I did his home eval, he wandered off to his room while I talked to his sweet parents and came back with a fish stick--he had apparently hidden it under his bed from dinner! These kids are hilarious!

That began my love affair with autistic children. This population is one of the most frustrating and most rewarding to work with. Frustrating because there in no 'one thing' that works for any of them, and what worked one day may not work the next, but rewarding because when they make progress you know you've just broken through a wall that desperately needed to be broken, but hadn't been until then. Their sweet, quirky personalities will keep you on your toes constantly and some days they make you want to pull your hair out! Most of them have the most diligent, supportive, involved parents who do so much more than many of us ever dream of doing for our children (not that we wouldn't, it's just not required).

This post was spurred by my activity tonight. After a crappy couple of days I decided that I wanted to see the movie Temple Grandin and since it's not in the redbox and I can't find it on HBO I bought it and it did not disappoint. Clare Danes did an amazing job of depicting this gifted woman who has done so much for the autistic community. I've been blessed to work with some amazing autistic kids and am grateful for the beast that is facebook that allows me to keep in touch with some of them still. I get almost as excited as their parents when I read updates about them and the progress that they are making and find myself tearing up quite often when I read about them or see pictures of them! It has been (and one day will be again) one of my biggest gifts in life to be touched by these special little people who are gifted in ways that we don't completely understand!! If you have any interest in autism, know any autistic children, or want to support autism, you should see this movie!

Baby Baker Update and a share

I just wanted to let any of you who were praying for that sweet baby Baker know that they now have a caring bridge site to keep people informed about his progress! That sweet boy is making progress and doing better each day, but days are hard for all of them. Please go give Drew, Abby, and Baker some love there...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/bakertroxler/

Also, my kindred spirit, Andrea, had a great post today about infertility and I wanted to link it as well, so that you could check it out. Apparently the Today show had a segment about infertility today and it was very good and honest. For me (and most people who struggle with it) being pregnant doesn't make that infertility struggle go away, as a matter of fact, it's very apparent each day. We will most likely never go on to have any children 'the old fashioned way', which is still hard to accept, though probably better for us, since the pressure was ruining everything! Still those who have suffered from infertility, don't forget it, we don't just get pregnant and forget all that we've been through, it doesn't work like that!

Also, please continue to pray for my friend who had the d&c today. She is doing as well as she can be given the circumstances, but my heart breaks for her as I know she is feeling sad and not knowing where to go next! Pray for her family, especially hubby too, as they are very sad and heartbroken too!

I have other posts in my head on similar topics, but sometimes they are hard to write, so stay tuned!!

I hate miscarriages!!!

I'm not having one, so that's not it, but someone I love is and it makes me angry! It makes me sad, and it breaks my heart! This is not the way it should be. We should get to celebrate babies together. I wish I had more to say, but I'm just mad/sad/heartbroken! Can't say who it is, but if it were someone you know, you would know, it's not my story to tell, but I sure could punch something right now!

Another fur baby?!?

Yes, apparently we can't get enough around here!!! Hubby got wind of a chocolate Lab that had been abandoned & pleaded his case for a duck dog. So, here's our new girl, Filé Gumbo (goes by Filé)...





She's a little mopey in the last pic. I think she's worried this is just a temporary place too! :(


After a food altercation on night 1, Noble is now to face licking, so I think we're gonna be ok! Noble is the boss here, you know! :)

The boss enjoying snow (I need a newer pic of my Nobelina Princess)!


Sampson here is just along for the ride...


Yappy McGee followed Filé around yelping for a while, she seems ok now!


Tasso (the cat) is still unsure, but Filé has so far paid him no attention, so they will be fine! (or remain on his high perch!)


Goodnight from our ever growing brood!

Deni

Date Nights

Last night we had a double date night with one of Sean's co-workers and his girlfriend. It was fun, they are fun, and we enjoyed the company. There was lots of doctor/hospital talk, but the funniest part was talking to the co-worker who has grown daughters about his daughters! Sounds like they can give you a lot of heartache when they get past the adorable little girl phase (apparently around 10ish)! We had some good Asian food, which I've been eating like crazy lately!

(google photos)

Then tonight we went and saw Adam Sandler's new movie "Just Go With It"! Hilarious!!!! Not sure if I've mentioned here before that I LOVE Adam, but this movie didn't let me down and the kids in it are absurdly funny, seriously, they really made the movie! He and Jennifer Anniston play very well off of each other and made the movie even more enjoyable! I recommend it for sure, but I always recommend his movies!

Now to try out our new mattress topper that hubby surprised me with yesterday (little tip: if you buy a tempurpedic topper, it needs hours to completely fluff up and air out the weird smell, so 11 o'clock at night isn't the best time to open it up!), so I'll give a full report on what I think about it after a good night's sleep!

Prayers for a baby

My friend Melissa has a co-worker who just had a baby and he suffered birth trauma. They believe he will be special needs secondary to oxygen deprivation 5 weeks prior to his due date. The miracle is that his mother noticed his lack of movement and they were able to recognize that his cord was bunched up. Baker was delivered and while he is breathing on his own, he is not responding to stimuli and they believe he has brain damage secondary to his oxygen deprivation.

Please pray for his whole family, Mommy--Abby, Daddy--Drew, and Baby--Baker. This is a nightmare and as this community of BLMs I know we know the pain of loss and I know we are a praying supportive group, so please pray for them, as we never want anyone else to join this terrible group! Thank you!

***Update from 2-9-11... The deep middle part of Baker's brain was affected, this controls muscle tone. They don't know what all motor skills will be affected, but it can be any and everything from eating, swallowing, walking, to talking. He will be able to open his eyes and eventually hear, and have his own personality. Also, his breathing is improving. (Update from Melissa). Please continue to pray for them!***

Tasso

Our cat sleeps on the mantel to keep away from the dogs!!!!



Deni

Support my friend!!

My friend Sarah is trying to raise money for her adoption in April, she has an online auction going on and let me tell you, if you are within 60 miles of Lafayette, you should bid on the desserts because they look AWESOME (dad gum living in Texas ruining my chances!!).

Hop on over to their site and get something, all the money will help them afford their adoption, or if you just want to donate, you can do that too!!!

http://thescottsblog.wordpress.com/

Even just going by to show them some love would be awesome, as the adoption process is a hard one, and who couldn't use a little extra encouragement!?!?

Thanks and happy Superbowl Sunday-- I'm pretending it's still last year because the best team in the world won last year!!! One Dat, Two Dat, Are you a Who Dat?!?!?

Fun in the Snow!!!

We woke up this morning to this...

A lot of snow for Texas (or Louisiana for that matter). Sampson and O'Hara were having fun!
The front yard is like a winter wonderland!
Noble was trying to catch the snowflakes--hilarious!!
Here's my snow angel--can you say COLD?!?!
Noble and Sampson were sprinting circle around the yard, and poor O'Hara was trying to keep up and yelping the whole way!
Sampson, my funny speed demon....
O'Hara was cold, but trying to keep up with the big dogs!
Sweet Sampson!
Noble went from eating snowflakes to straight eating snow!
View from the front of the house
Me and my footprints in the background
Now it's time to warm by the fire--gonna be alright (little NeedtoBreathe reference!)
Happy snow day! I'm hoping that the roads clear so Shawn can still come visit!!

In honor of the winter weather...

If only it was this easy for us infertiles...


This was one of mom's bday cards, think it was pretty funny on my sister's part! Hope it makes you laugh too!!!

Deni

Hilarious Videos

Seriously, Baby on my Mind always posts the funniest things on her blog concerning infertility! Please head over there and watch these videos if you're wanting a big laugh, I seriously snorted laughing!

Baby on Mind