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"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9

Sunday, April 18, 2010

April 15th


This day for most people is tax day, and will always be tax day. April 15th for me is and always will be Layla's due date. I didn't think that this year it would affect me nearly as badly as it did last year, and though not as badly, it was still quite painful. It's painful because you are generally the only one who remembers. Sean had not a clue and couldn't figure out why I was so blue, and I didn't divulge any info, as sometimes I just can't get the words out AGAIN!!!!

Infertility and miscarriage are words that are part of my personal definition. They are painful, unwanted, and soul-crushing. To be infertile means that you as a woman are unable to do the thing that you, as a woman, were born to do. With this crushing blow to one's self-esteem comes unfathomable grief. This grief doesn't end, not that grief ever ends when you lose someone, but that is final, the person is gone, and you don't expect them to return. While with infertility, there is always a glimmer of hope lingering in the background, that maybe, just maybe, whatever was 'wrong' will correct and you will finally be able to do that one thing your body was meant to do. One blogger had her husband guest-post recently, and he said "Grief is the second most traumatic experience you can go through." It is true there are so many things that infertility touches, from your privacy, to your routines, to your friendships, your marriage, your self esteem, your view of your place in the world, your faith, your sleep, your social interactions, your work, your emotions,your dreams, your self worth, and it list goes on and on and on and on... For most people who have dealt with true infertility, the feeling never fully escapes you, it never leaves you completely, you are never free from that stigma, and the pain is never erased. Even if children to come, and you "overcome" infertility, it continues to affect you, as a friend of mine shows all the time, when she feels the injustice of people who don't want children continuing to have them. Another friend has since adopted and wouldn't trade her daughter for a single thing in the world, even a biological child, but couldn't stay at a baby shower last year. Infertility does not come and go, it isn't an easy fix and it has psychological ramifications that are far beyond what those who don't experience it will ever dream to understand.

I will say that I am so eternally grateful to my fellow blogger friends who've suffered through infertility and loss, for without you I wouldn't continue to put one foot in front of the other each day, you are my gifts from God. For my friends who do not understand it, have not experienced it, yet have the grace and nerve to ask me about it, and then TRULY listen, I am very grateful for you as well, and I hope I've told you that.

Today I miss Layla, I miss the innocense that I had in that first pregnancy before I saw a baby with no heartbeat completely still on that screen that day in September 2008. Thank you Nan for remembering my day with me and for honoring Layla with your sweet gift, I'm so grateful we both love butterflies like we do!!! The photo above is a candle that Nan sent me for Layla's EDD, so I lit it and sang 'happy birthday' to my girl.

9 comments:

  1. I am so glad that we have the good Lord here to comfort us every day, but especially on days like that!! You always do such a great job putting into words your feelings and the emotions that someone who has experienced infertility and loss has. Great job once again really capturing the heart of infertility and miscarriage loss and sharing that with others.

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  2. big hugs to you deni. you are an amazingly strong woman. thank you for your honesty...i know it can't be easy to do. i'm sure many women out there who have been through the same situation are immensely grateful to you and thank ful to know they are not alone. take care and stay strong.

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  3. My Kindred Spirit...

    Tears, as I only pray this road will get easier as we continue to walk. Remembering your sweet Layla with you always.

    Above and beyond anything else, you are never alone...never.

    Beautiful post, full of realism and truth.

    xoxo

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  4. Thank you so much for your sweet comments! I would love to get together for lunch sometime and I agree..an IRL friend who has been through this would be amazing! Have you ever attended the Glory Babies meetings in Tyler? If not you should check out the website (www.childrenareagift.com)! Please e-mail me at britt_dickey@yahoo.com

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  5. Dear Deni,

    This is such a touching post. I'm not sure what to say, but I believe that Layla is in heaven and that she is thanking you for being such a loving mother who will continue to honor and love her. I am sending lots of love your way.

    Meryl

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  6. You are so right in that the scars of infertility don't just disappear, even if children eventually come....and they seem to just sear your heart when they are worsened by losing the miracle you were given. So hard.

    Lifting you up and thinking about you lots!
    xoxo

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  7. Deni, sorry I am a little late with this comment, but I wanted you to know I am remembering Layla with you. You have so beautifully expressed what so many of us are feeling who are walking this difficult path. We will never forget the ones we've lost. The butterfly candle is so beautiful! Hugs and prayers.

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  8. Deni,
    Sending you hugs. And letting you know that I think of your angels with you. I am sorry to have been out of the loop and message you on the 15th, but know you are never far from my thoughts. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

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  9. (((HUGS))) and much love to you as you remember this day and your sweet baby.

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