6 years ago today

Sean asked me to marry him over dinner at Fertitta's...





And six years later...





I'm as happy as I ever dreamed I could be!!!

Deni

Joy

Do you ever see someone else's joy and it feels so close that the joy just rubs off on you?  I did today!  One of my dearest friends got married today and when I say everything was perfect, I mean, everything was perfect!  He looked handsome, his bride was radiant, the food was delish, the setting was picturesque, and their faces on the alter were breath-takingly beautiful!  I'm so super happy for Grubby and Carolyn and wish them years of happiness and fun.  I am so glad that I made the drive to watch him and see his face.  I am quite certain that though I've seen him happy before, I've never seen him like that and my heart is still smiling from it!

The mother of the groom was gorgeous as well and it was fun to see some old friends.  Weddings are such a happy time and I LOVE going to them.  Each time I go I think to my wedding day and how that was the most wonderful day of my life, when I married the funniest, sweetest man I know!  I'm so blessed to have him and I know that Brent and Carolyn are so blessed to have each other too!  I'm not a wedding crier, but I did tear up watching them, it was fabulous!!!   Wish I had taken some pictures!

**As a side note, Foxy and I started dating 7 years ago today, this March 27th is a good day!!**

Inspiration for today...

I've been following a caringbridge site for a little girl that was mentioned to me on multiple occasions.  I find that when things come up more than once, it's usually the Big Man upstairs shooting me a hint, I try to listen, but sometimes it takes a few hints!!

Well, the story of Kate McRae has been one that I've followed for a while now, and I admire this family for handling a horrific situation with such grace.  Today's post on her site was one that really touched a deep part in my soul and I wanted to share it with you...

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/journal

Read this entry and the part that really struck me was Kate's thoughts on her hair.  I pray that I am half that thoughtful of a person when faced with trials, this little girl is a warrior and is constantly thinking of others! Please stop by her site and give her family some love!

Tonight I also attended a concert at my church.  Phil Wickham performed, just him and his guitar.  If you've never heard him--get to googling and youtube-ing, and iTune downloading.  This man has a gift.  His voice is one of the most beautiful I have ever heard.  What struck me the most is that there are people with talent maybe equal to his, but how many people are using those God-given talents to glorify the One who gave them?  To have this voice and to use it to so fully honor God is inspiring and I wish Phil and his family the best of the best and pray for his continued ministry!!

I feel for her...

****WARNING if you are a Private Practice fan and haven't watched last night's episode don't read this yet******

Addison is one of my least favorite characters on tv, yet I'm compelled to watch her to see what horrific thing she says or does next! Her cheating and hooking up with inappropriate people, her belief that abortion is ok, her thoughts that a baby isn't a baby until it's viable outside the mother, well those things make me sick!

We've all made bad choice that we wish we could undo, but she is an adult, time to grow up! Yes, I am aware that she is a character on a tv show, but it's my vent!!

However, on last nights episode I literally almost vomited at the thought of her being pregnant. Partially because I don't like her character, but also because it so unrealistic in the actual world of infertility! Then as you watch her walk out of the bathroom, downtrodden and dejected, even my heart breaks for her! I've been there, SOOO convinced that this would be my time! That amazing lucky time it happens when you're not expecting it or really trying (but let's be real, who's ever not at least in their mind trying if they're using no protection and still happily dancing away?!?).

My heart breaks more for all those that I know that are still awaiting their miracle, who have never seen those two lines, or seen them only to experience the death of their child later on in pregnancy! I believe they captured the emotion when you see her lying on her chaise broken-hearted and without the will to do anything else. It is that hard to realize yet again a lost dream, the brokeness of a body that repeatedly fails you, and the distance between you and the initial realization that you had that dream of being a mother. Being a mother cannot be replaced by any other task in the entire world. Being a great Aunt, great friend, great godmother, all of those things are awesome, but they do NOT replace the longing to be a mother if you have that within you!

Though I must express and appreciation for those who have so completely involved me in their children's lives, as it makes NE feel less isolated. It stops that "you'll understand when you have children" stigma, because frankly there are plenty of things I understand without my children here on earth!

Finally, I can't even begin to start on the surrogate sister storyline. Just reiterates to me that surrogacy is not the quick fix that so many people jump to!!


Deni

Wish I had known...

In reference to REs.

I had two friends talk with REs today and both had a fairly good experience, these things make me really happy. I'm not sure I can convey how happy they make me, but having had a realllllllly horrible initial RE experience, and having had a FABULOUS second round experience, I know how important feeling heard, feeling supported, and trusting that your RE is smart are in that instance.

I wish I had known before my first experience that doctors DO listen, that good REs don't care about the money (they do quite well regardless), and that you have a RIGHT to ask all the questions you want!!! Being armed with a good list of questions prior to an appointment, I believe, I key! So... I would like some input from my trusted friends here!

Please tell some of your good and bad RE stories so that others can learn. Tell questions you wish you had known initially to ask, or information that your RE shared that you found inlightening.

I will share a few things here comparing and contrasting my experiences...

1. My first RE never called me by my name, which is a nickname, I know that's not a requirement, but when I went to Dr. S, his whole office called me by my name (as you know on here) from my first visit on!

2. At Dr. Crap's office the nurse who drew blood (eleventy billion times) hurt me EVERY time she stuck me! At Dr. S's office, the only pain I ever had was from OHSS, which he treated (which was quite painful).

3. With Dr. Crap any time I asked a question, he talked to me like I was 5 and was extremely patronizing. When I talk to Dr. S, he happily answers my questions on a reasonable level and doesn't talk down to me at all, he actually encourages questions and explains very thoroughly!

4. When I had a D&C with Dr. Crap he didn't even come talk to my husband after the surgery to give him a report. He left the hospital! Needless to say, my hubby was PISSED! I didn't experience that with Dr. S, but after each thing I had done he talked to us and so did his nurses and they called to check on me!

5. At Dr. S's office I waited 45 mins for my first visit (and panic set in because...). With Dr. Crap, I waited over an hour each time regardless of my appointment time AND waited 3.5 hours to have my D&C done. After waiting 1.5 hours for my follow-up afterwards, and rushing out the door in a full blown panic attack, we left, never to return!

6. I know quite a few people who have seen Dr. Crap, and only one has had rave reviews about him, the others (double digit #s) even with successful pregnancies, say his office feels like cattle herding, and is completely impersonal. (His nurse said to a friend who had done IVF, upon her reporting that she had a BFN that morning, "Well, you knew that could happen!") WTH?!?!?

7. The whole staff with Dr. S asked repeatedly about both me and my husband and how we were dealing with the stresses of IVF. His staff called me to check on me after procedures and he stopped by to talk to me each time I was there, even if I didn't need to see him. The front desk girls, the finance lady, the nurses, the embryologists, they were all AMAZING!!!! Did I mention that getting stuck there didn't hurt--ever!! I have a sweet friend who had seen Dr. S and even with an unsuccessful IVF recommended him with RAVE reviews, as would I, that instilled a LOT of confidence in him and his staff, as she went on and on about their excellent care!

I hope that no one else has a horrible of an experience as I did the first go round, but I pray that EVERYONE has the experience that I had with Dr. S (if you want more info on him, I'd be glad to share, just email me!).

Please share anything you can about RE experiences you've had, I think it's so helpful to know what other people have dealt with and what things are helpful!!

**I'll post again with some more good info***

My sister is pretty funny and she makes me laugh a lot. We actually think that we are really pretty funny even if no one else does! Rene' has a blog too and it's hilarious a lot of the time! Her latest posts have cracked me up and are keeping me giggling! You can check her out at www.beautifulbeef.blogspot.com and follow her if you want a laugh here or there!!!! The name itself is funny since that's what her last name actually means--funny!!!

Take a little trip with me...

So hubs had a work conference in Florida this past week/end, so I decided that would be a good one to tag along for! I adore the beach & sun & spas, all of which were included, along with some seafood!!

Here are a few snapshots...


(view from balcony)


(yummy lunch of baked Brie, roasted garlic, and grapes!!)


(poolside)

Aside from a killer sunburn the trip was fantastic! We were in Amelia Island & it was glorious! Fun little getaway with my favorite guy!

Deni

This is Filé...

She is a very happy sweet dog who just really needed a good home! Sweet Filé has heartworms (thank you to the losers who just dropped her on the side of the road), so she's being treated for that! Luckily she's young and otherwise healthy, so she will bounce back 100%! but for now she's on steroids for like a month! She went from this most of the time...


To a dog who resembles this on the steroids...


Poor thing tries to sleep & tosses and turns and whines and barks and is just inconsolable, though a bit of snuggle time in the bed doesn't hurt (cue jealousy from sister, Noble, and you've found our greatest difficulty with a new dog)!

Otherwise she's very happy and cooperative, takes meds like a champ, and is pretty obidient! Noble is still unsure and will pounce on her every now and again (certainly we want no confusion about who is boss!!), and she is still boss! That's our biggest issue and it gets better daily!

So for a few more weeks we have a restless uncomfortable girl who wakes mommy & daddy every night, usually whining and thirsty, poor girl! Mommy was on steroids for 62 days in the fall, so I have lots of sympathy! Just Want her to feel better asap!

I did get this great shot last week of the sisters peacefully sharing the couch...


And tiny sister O'Hara Belle is at Camp Lady and Pops for a while & got her hair did...


So cute (so unruly!!)

That's all from our clan today! Woof!

Memories I wasn't expecting...

***This post mentions pregnancy, but you may want to read anyway because that's not the focus***

I didn't realize when I started prepping for Cala to come all the emotions that I would be faced with. You see last summer I bought oodles of baby clothes, mostly because we weren't having any showers because we were adopting a baby and we never knew for sure if that would happen. There are always risks when adopting, but no one ever thinks that for approximately six months of their lives some sadistic girl would be manipulating them just for money. You think about the birth mother possibly changing her mind, which you can understand, as an infertile you could never imagine giving up a baby, so if someone else couldn't give up their child you can accept it and understand a little bit.

It is very different when someone has purposely crept into your life and taken advantage of the things that are most painful for you! I picked out clothing for a little girl that was supposed to come home with us last summer, but the truth is she was never supposed to come home with us. She was never our daughter, and that is sad too. It is sad that her mother committed crimes for money that are costing her daughter a mother. I think about that little girl often and pray for her because I can't imagine what it's like in her world, or how it will be in the future. I know that when I look at all of those darling clothes, some of which are gifts from people we love dearly, I know they are meant for Cala, who will be arriving in July of 2011.

I also know that the human part of me is still angry, not at all like I was, and the constant thoughts of it have dissipated (thank God, as only He could relieve them), but they are still there! I'm still bitter that we lost so much money, not because a mother couldn't bear to separate from her precious child that she had carried for nine months, nope, we are out all of that money so that some criminal could get extensions, fancy maternity photos, a 3D ultrasound, a nice apartment, multiple manicures, and spending money while she did absolutely nothing but harass me constantly. Yes, I'm still bitter about that.

I do firmly believe that the situation was orchestrated by God, that He gave her the opportunity to make the situation right, to make a good choice for her daughter, to make the situation not a criminal one, but that He knew the outcome and He knew that we wouldn't let it lie. He doesn't want to see another family hurt by this criminal, and He knows we will continue to pursue it, as we feel it is the right thing to do. This is the only thing that gives me peace in the situation because my heart was completely broken last summer, we were hurt more deeply than can be put into words and we will not forget it. However, had that not been the case I would not be pregnant with my own biological child right now, so for that I am eternally grateful!