Estimated Due Date

Today in New Year's Eve, but for me it's also my estimated due date with Michael, my second angel in heaven. It's a weird day. I'm sad, I'm disappointed, and I'm lonely despite being around so many great people. But I'm not as devastated as I was say 2 weeks ago. I think I'm just in a different stage of grief today. I'm working on moving forward, not looking back, and trying not to focus on what could have been. It doesn't help that AF showed a couple of days ago too. I was under no false hopes that this could be the month, as we really didn't try and I'm pretty sure the right time was when I was gone doing my last half marathon. Some people would've cancelled that to try, and I understand that, but for me, that accomplishment helps me to move forward, knowing that my body can accomplish somethings, even if not bringing a baby safely into this world. It's amazing to think that I could've been holding a new born right now, and there sneak in the 'what ifs' again!! Just too easily! I want to say a special thank you to those people who remembered this day with me. It means more than I can put into words that someone would keep this date in mind and think of me and my angel, so thank especially to Julie, Jean, Emily (smiley Emily from grad school), Nan, Andrea, Angie, and Shandrea. You made a difficult day just a little easier!

We continue to look forward to adoption. I am completely at peace with this decision and know that God has a plan for us and the growing of our family. Though the process can be daunting and overwhelming! I'm currently feeling really overwhelmed, but know again that God is in control, so I'm trying to let Him have the control (yeah, right, my OCD is in full effect right now!!). I ask for prayers as we continue toward this goal of adoption, prayers for peace, prayers for a birthmother who will be so generous to let us love and raise her child in our home, prayers for a baby to be happy in our home, prayers for all of the little steps and pieces to fall into place. I know that God is in control and I know that hearing the cries of many of His children on our behalf can only help! Thank you all for your love, support, and most of all your prayers!!

Deni

Blue Christmas

It is nice to have family and friends during Christmas and gifts are nice too. But I must say this is a blue Christmas without my angels. There are no gifts that could replace what I've lost. All the Christmas carols in the world can't cheer a babylost mom for more than a few hours. People asked me what I wanted for Christmas repeatedly, and I had no answer to give for what I really wanted is not something that anyone can give me. It is doubly hard to hear about all of the happy children enjoying their gifts and learning about Jesus. I have no baby to share this special holiday with, two Christmases in a row with no baby on the way & still no baby in my arms!

I am very greatful for the gift of the birth of my Savior. There is HOPE in the birth of that sweet baby over 2000 years ago! There is JOY in that hope and I will look to the future for that HOPE! I must say that I am extremely greatful for my other babylost mom friends, Andrea, Shandrea, Nan, & Angie, thank you ladies for helping me through this difficult time! You are blessings to me!

To all of my friends and loved ones here's to 2010, may it be a blessed year!

Grief

Grief is a tricky little sucker! It sneaks up on you when you are least expecting it. I am grief stricken. My second baby was due to be born on New Year's Eve this year (before the due date was pushed back secondary to poor development), and that impending date is wearing on me horribly. To one who has never experienced such loss, you could never know what it is to live each day plagued by what is not. I'm generally a very positive, upbeat person, but this grief binds me. It tears at my soul when I least expect it. Take today for instance, I went to church here in Tyler, and it was a beautiful sermon, I felt tailor made for me! Dr. Robbins discussed the miracle of Mary being pregnant with baby Jesus, but he also talked about the miracles of Sarah and Elizabeth who were barren for so long that they had no hopes of having children, yet became pregnant very late in life (way later than we'll ever see!!). It was a sermon full of hope for me, full of the promises that God fulfills. He also told about a person in one of his previous churches who struggled so long with infertility and almost gave up, but after many years did become pregnant and had a sweet healthy baby. HOPE, again I hear that message, and I cling to it, but in the same foul swoop, in comes grief and it overwhelms me. It pulls me down so far that I'm certain that I'm drowning, and my biggest fear in life is drowning (it's very irrational). So, in visiting some of my other babylost mom's blogs I came across this video that shares just a little more of the pain we feel, in a very beautiful way...

www.tearsandhope.com then click on the video link "Empty Arms"

I've found that though Christmas time is my favorite time of the year, I'm very apathetic about it all. I have to force myself to wrap gifts, and the outside lights aren't up because I just didn't have the fight in me to get them there. I told my husband that it continues to be a daily struggle to put one foot in front of the other, and that I'd appreciate a little support for how well I am doing!

Broken hearts abound during this season, some of us do well, while others breakdown. My sweet friend Andrea at http://persuitofourfairytale.blogspot.com/ did an outreach project and collect clothes for the homeless in her son's name, what a pillar of strength and HOPE!

There is pain in my heart, but there is also HOPE as a baby was born to take away the sins of man, born to carry our shame and pain, born to save a wretch like me, and I know there is HOPE in my savior! God will not give me more than I can bear (how I wish He didn't have such faith in me!!).

Adoption

So, this whole adoption process is a confusing one on the outset. We are looking into attorneys, and have gotten some good info on some agencies. Everyone has a story or an experience to share when it comes to adoption. It's very uplifting to have so much support, love, and encouragment coming from so many people. For that I am greatful!

Sorting through all of the information and making the best decision for our family is taking some time, but I've had some really helpful people give me advice and phone numbers, and share their stories.

At this point we are trying to spread the word amongst all of our friends, relatives, and co-workers (that would be his!!), as we believe that is the best way to get the word out and possible locate our own birthmother. It is legal in the state of Texas to advertise yourselves for adoption, but that just feels a little strange, listing in the paper or classifieds that you want to adopt, though I'm sure that it would be very effective. At this point, Sean is not really comfortable with doing just that. We're continuing to pray and know that God will give us a baby in His timing. At this point, it's been so long of a wait that we're not sure what that even means, but we're hopeful!

For any of you who have done domestic adoptions, which is what we are interested in at this time, tell us your story, we'd love to hear it!!

Thank you all so much for your love support and prayers as we embark on this new journey!!

Why I run...

Yesterday I completed my fourth half marathon. It was exhilarating to say the least! It was ideal weather, in the 50s, overcast, and breezy. I ran with my cousin and we had a blast. We stayed on pace together and I set a PR (personal record).

I told Nan and Andrea before I went that it is almost impossible to feel sad or defeated when you're running a half marathon. You can't help but feel accomplished! My friend Eric informed me that only 1% of the population completes a half marathon (I'm wondering how many of those are crazy enough to do it again!!), and that only .1% completes a marathon (well add him to that .01%, as he did it Sunday)!

Through struggling with infertility and two miscarriages I've felt the opposite of 'in control'. I've felt defeated, broken, and useless. I'm sure some people think that is a little much, but if you've never felt it, you could never understand. We feel that our bodies were made to make babies. Isn't that what women do? And when you can't do the one thing that you are physiologically made to do, you feel worthless, broken, helpless, and out of control. To give you just an idea, my sweet friend who had a miscarriage and then attended a baby shower said that she cried the whole way there, made it through as much as she could, jetted to the car and cried again. She said she told her husband "I understand if you want to divorce me and find someone who isn't broken!". Again, this may sound ridiculous to anyone who hasn't felt these feelings, but her words resonated with me soooo strongly. We feel defective.

When you run, you are the master of everything. You feel like you are in control (though any runner can tell you that there are so many uncontrollable factors)! I started running before my first miscarriage, just to see what it was like, just because I never thought that I could but wanted to prove to myself that it was possible. I never dreamed I'd run a half marathon. As a matter of fact I remember laughing at some of my runner friends before I ever started and saying that they were nuts for doing something like that (who's nuts now?!?!)!

Well, after my sister, Rene', and I started running some 5Ks, we decided to tackle a 10K with Julie. I ended up not training for that with them, because I was pregnant. It was the most defeating feeling for them to accomplish that and for me not to and to no longer have a baby in my belly. (As a side note: I did that 10K this year, for Layla!!) So, when those two crazies called me and said they were doing the mardi gras half marathon in New Orleans in February I wasn't going to be left out!

I started that process knowing that I couldn't control my fertility, that I couldn't control the loss of my baby, and I couldn't make myself pregnant again, but I could run. I could train, and I could keep myself from giving up! That proved true and in fact, I over-trained and after my first half I had a stress fracture and had to take off 6 weeks. This is devastating for a runner (not to mention for my next half that was 10 weeks away!!). It seems crazy to people who don't love running, but it's horrible for those of us who do! And it was doubly painful for me, as I had lost control of something else. I remember my husband telling me not to worry about it, I would be fine, blah, blah, blah (not a runner!!), and I finally lost it with him. I yelled, tears streaming down my face, "It's not just about the running! I am not in control of anything else, I can't control where you get a job, I can't control that my baby is gone, I can't control that I am not pregnant, but running, I could control that!!!". I think that he somewhat understood after that.(If you want to read more on my first half marathon, check out my coaching blog www.coachdeni.wordpress.com)

I've seen it not only in myself, but in many people who start to run following tragedy. I'm not sure they all realize exactly what they're doing (and I didn't until my injury), but they are exerting control where they can. Doing TNT (Team in Training) I've seen it, as people are running for the memory of those they can't bring back, or in honor of those they wish they could personally save, or in tribute to something they hope to keep from themselves and their families.

Running makes you feel in control, you control your pace, your endurance, your training, your schedule, and when you accomplish your goal it leaves you feeling victorious! It requires determination, it requires you to put your feelings (aches, pains, discomfort, fatigue) to the side and use your will to propel you forward. Ford shared a quote with us that said...

"The body does not want you to do this. As you run, it tells you to stop but the mind must be strong. You always go too far for your body. You must handle the pain with strategy...It is not age; it is not diet. It is the will to succeed." --Jacqueline Gareau, 1980 Boston Marathon champion

I think that you have to remember the same idea when you are struggling to have a baby. Obviously my body does not want me to do this, but I must put that aside to move forward, to realize my goal, and to come out victorious! I have to keep my pain in check, and use my WILL to succeed.

I run to feel in control. I run to find my own success. I run to be in the cool morning (and you thought I was going to say cool club!) and clear my head. I run to make my children proud. I run to prove to myself that I can prevail. I run because I know that God will move my feet and fill my lungs and keep me safe.

In reading my devotional last night this quote stuck out to me and is applicable to running, infertility, or any other struggle...

"Write todays worries in sand. Chisel yesterday's victories in stone."--Max Lucado (or a race medal, if you will!!). And also by Max, "Good memories make heroes, bad memories make wimps!" I'm writing my worries about babies in the sand, but my victory of making it through each day without them, that goes in stone!!

I couldn't end this entry without giving a huge round of applause to my runner friends, Ford, Susie, and Eric who all completed the Whiterock MARATHON yesterday (I'm not laughing at you anymore!!). The joy that I felt watching them accomplish that inspired me, not only to continue toward my baby dreams, but also to know that I too, could cross that finish after 26.2 miles! Here's to February 28th 2010...

Also, to my cousin, Becky, who ran every step of the way with me and continued to inspire me as she and Amy (her sister) have done for my entire life!

Greatful

During the month of November I posted something that I was greatful for everyday as my status on facebook. Would that we would all do that year round!!! Today I have to talk about what I'm greatful for through this turmoil of losing my babies and having difficulty conceiving again.

I am first of all greatful to God for hearing my cries of distress, cries of anger, cries of pain, cries of joy, cries of grief, and cries against Him, and continuing to love me unconditionally. It's amazing the things He puts up with. One of my sweet youth had as her status the other day "God would rather you yell at Him than not talk to Him at all." Wise beyond her years that sweet girl is!! God's mercy covers me even when I refuse/refused to talk to Him. And He speaks to me, in the small things, like a butterfly, or the smell of nature, or the presence of my husband.

Secondly, I'm greatful for my children. I can honestly say that I didn't know love like that. I've loved so strongly, so deeply, so passionately (yes, his name is Sean, not Keith Urban!), but the love you instantly have for your child is completely different. I am greatful to have known that, to see what I was/am capable of now and in the future. That strong love spurs me to do things to honor my babies (note the pretty ornaments (: !).

Thirdly (and this isn't daily order) I'm greatful for my husband. A man who can see you balled up on the bathroom floor crying your eyes out and screaming your worst fears and sit with you and allow you to do that is a real man. My husband is the best man! His love and support (though certainly that of a man, you all understand) keep me going and he just makes me smile!!

Lately and throughout this whole process I've been overwhelmed (and at times underwhelmed) by the love and support that I've gotten from my friends and family, from other baby lost moms whom I've never and may never meet (that's not acceptable for some of you!!). To have my friends allow me to talk and share things that are really uncomfortable, and some to even cry with me, to have that kind of support is divine. Knowing that I can come to my friends and say things that 'shouldn't be said outloud' and know that they aren't going to a) committ me, b) judge me, or c) try to change how I feel, that is a blessing!

I'm greatful that their are options for those of us who are babylost and struggling with making new babies to love. I'm greatful that one day someone else will give birth to a baby and allow me to love him/her as my own. I'm greatful for other people who've walked this road who are willing to tell their story, to share their pain and joy, and to make me feel more human.

I'm greatful for so many people and I couldn't begin to name them all, but I hope you know who you are and how greatful I am to have you in my life!

I cannot say that I'm greatful that I've had two miscarriages, for that would be a lie. I would've lived the rest of my life in happy oblivion not knowing this whole circuit of ladies whom I've met, but that I have met you all, that is where God just keeps showing up (even when I'm being a big brat!!).

Greatful.

Great things He has done and will continue to do! I saw this verse on someone's blog this week (I can't remember which one as I've seen so many great ones!!), but it was Jeremiah 31:3. I looked up a lot of the versions (thank you iphone app), and this one really said it...I don't always like the message version, but what's not to love about these words from God...

"I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love."

I'm expecting it, but what's more amazing is the amount with which I've already received it! I'm greatful for my people!

Why not me, part 2...(noteworthy entry!!)

So, yesterday I pointed out the 'why not me?' question that so many of us go through. I spoke with another friend today (who isn't actually trying for a baby yet, but wants to be) who said she heard last week of two friends who were pregnant and she was instantly jealous. She told me that she had a small insight into how I and some others who've been trying for a long time felt.

Here's where I am today...I still think, Why not me? And Sean and I have discussed this before, though he's not as eager to chat about it as I am!! I'm not pulling a piti party, and am not feeling all down in the dumps, but, yes, it does hurt that it's not me/us. That being said, we have been trying to be objective about this, look at it from different angles, and possibly see more than meets the eye! For instance, what is God trying to teach us? What lesson are we missing? How can we be using this experience for good (hello blog!)? Is there something He wants us to do? Then it occured to me (over a time span)... He may very well have something that He wants us to do, something that has been tugging at my heart for a while. So, Sean and I discussed it. He asked me some very pointed questions (I love that about my husband) and the answers came out honestly, without reservation. We agreed and a decision has been reached. Some of you have probably guessed it, so here it is...

We are persuing adoption!!

This was not a flippant decision that we just made on a whim. We've actually discussed it in mulitple scenarios, mulitple times. On a long drive, after lots of discussion (thank God for long drives and the opportunity to talk uninterrupted) we are ready to move forward.

We will continue to try for natural children, but I will not be taking any medications and we will forgo any further medical intervention at this time.

Currently we are doing research on agencies, lawyers, different state's laws, locating birthmothers, and preparing for the transition. We ask for prayers, and for everyone to keep their ears open in case you hear of a mother who needs a forever home for her child (though we'd like to you NOT share lots of information about us, just that we're great people who want a baby and can provide for a child). If you know someone who has adopted and would be a good source of information, we'd love to talk to them. We are in Texas now, so anyone with information here would be really helpful! We definately need love, support, prayers, no negativity, and open ears!

Deni and Sean

Why Not Me?

Well, I was ready to do a funny entry, because, really, I'm a funny person (at least I think so and that's all that matters!!). But I have to be real and really what I felt yesterday was this...

Why Not Me? I'm not overly upset or depressed or anything. I just daily hear of someone else who is pregnant or has just had a baby, and I think, why not me? Why can't it be my turn? It's especially hard when I see people with more children than they can care for, or people not taking good care of their children, or people who expose their children to things that can be harmful. Seriously, I'm not crying in my soup here (and I just made some yummy taco soup!!), just actually curious.

This entry has evolved to be a two parter, and for part one, my thoughts are these...

1. Most of us baby lost moms and women fighting fertility issues, think these things. It doesn't make us bad people, or poor pitiful people, it makes us human. There are tons of other thoughts that I only share with those close to me, but I'll share some as time goes on.

2. It's not me because everything is not about me!! I know, I'm shocked too! Really, I thought it was. But truthfully, our society teaches us that it is alllll about us, me first, mine, mine, mine, and how can I help myself, make myself happy. Really, that's not the point. This life is not about us, it's about glorifying God, and if this be my platform, thank you, God, for entrusting it to me!

The second part of this message will follow maybe tomorrow, but it is about hope, something I am full of at this point.

Sending love to all my baby lost mommy friends, and those who encircle me day after day, let me cry, let me talk, make me laugh and forget the hurt part, force me to look past myself, and pray for me and Sean. Thank you for your love and prayers!! Keep them coming, as the best is yet to come!!

Dancing in the Rain

This was posted on my previous blog, but I was asked to put it here too, so if you've already read this one, just skip it, or read again if you like!!


A friend of mine shared this quote with me a few weeks ago…

“Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but rather, learning to dance in the rain.”

Don’t know who said it, it doesn’t matter, it’s beautiful! She and I were discussing miscarriages, as I have experienced my second and she has suffered three. I use the word suffer because that is what it is to lose a baby. It doesn’t matter if you are 5 weeks pregnant, 10 weeks pregnant, or 40 weeks pregnant (yes, that does happen, and more often than many realize). I’ve been struggling lately with my loss and the fact that I’ve heard of so many other losses.

When someone’s parent or grandparent, (or dog for that matter) dies, we acknowledge it, we sympathize with them, we want to comfort them. We recognize that there was life and it is now gone, no more memories to be made, no more stories to tell, no more hugs, tears, or laughter with that person. That is tangible.

But when a mother losses her baby people seem to really have a hard time knowing what to say, how to react, or how to treat the person. I mean this with no judgement, just to hopefully give some information on how we mothers who have lost babies feel.

Every loss is different, for every person, in every instance. My first loss was much different from my second loss, so I know it to be true, as least from my perspective. I’ve never been much of a message board participating person, but I did find a website www.ourmiscarriage.com, as I was grieving my first loss and have found it immensely helpful, as those women all know the feelings I feel. (If you know someone one who has suffered the loss of a baby, send them there, better yet, read it yourself, you’ll get a glimpse of our feelings). People loss babies everyday, as every stage in their pregnancy, so to say that there is a ’safe’ zone to announce your pregnancy is completely crazy! You just have to announce it when you feel comfortable and be ready for the repercussions (that we all pray don’t happen to anyone).

So, how do we feel after a loss? I can’t put it into words eloquently, so I’ll just try to do my best here. We feel empty, alone, numb, sad, mad, terrified, disillusioned, abandoned, hopeless, and forgotten. We feel like our bodies don’t work, like we’ve let ourselves and our husbands down. We feel so grief stricken that moving some days seems impossible. Our friends don’t know what to say and so we feel further isolated. We are jealous of the people it comes so easily for, even when we aren’t jealous people. We are weepy and emotional and fragile (things that are foreign to me). We want answers and often get none. Our hearts break at the mention of our babies and when someone else’s dream comes true and ours do not. We have dates imprinted on our hearts of when our babies should have been here and when they left us.

The feelings we have are not ones we want, like, or are comfortable with, but they are what they are. So, don’t think we are horrible when we can’t jump for joy with you, for we want to, but the heartbreak is bigger. Just imagine, if you will, never knowing your daughter’s laugh, your son’s pout, or their smile. Look at your child and think what it would be to NEVER hold him/her. That may give you a small idea of what we feel on a daily basis. We want to be ‘normal’ to feel like we did pre-conception, but that just isn’t what happens. We will never be the same.

As hopeless and pitiful as that sounds, that is not how I feel. I am not hopeless, though at times I am pitiful, I admit!! The truth is that through this God is building my character, by showing me my own weaknesses and where He can fill me with His strength. That is nothing but HOPE, how people survive such sadness without hope is beyond me, and I pray no one has to go through that. For my life is better everyday because I am filled with hope. I am hopeful that I will have my own child one day, and it may not be as everyone else has, though I am still hopeful of that! This experience has done nothing but strengthen my marriage, for which I am eternally greatful. It helps that my husband is one of the most caring, considerate people alive, and I am greatful for him! I’m thankful for the love I’ve been shown, the support I’ve received and the lessons I’ve learned about myself and others through this experience. I don’t believe that God causes these things to happen, but I BELIEVE that God can produce good from every situation and that of anyone He knows the pain of loss and disappointment!

All of that I say to tell you that sometimes the storms don’t pass and you have to learn to dance in the rain!!!

Thanks for reading!!!

Where Do I Begin?

In March of 2007 I decided it was time to expand our family from the two of us to more. I quit taking the pill and figured magic would happen within months (at most). Like many people, but very few of my close friends, this did not happen. As a matter of fact as of December 2009, 33 months later, we are still just a two person family.



In July of 2008 I became pregnant for the first time, and so you don't have to count it out it was 16 months after we started trying, 3 rounds of clomid, umpteen vials of blood, mulitple visits to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist), and lots of tears and frustration. But it had finally happened, I got that happy 'pregnant' announcement on the stick and was over the moon. All seemed well at my 5 week appointment (early because I was seeing an RE), and her little heart was beating away at 7 weeks. It was magical, though sadly my hubby wasn't able to be there because of work. I'll never be able to put into words how sad it is for me, to this day, that he wasn't there as he has yet to, and may never know the wonder that is seeing that little heart beating away so perfectly. At our 9 week appointment (9 weeks 3 days) we went in to see her little heartbeat together, and we waited all smiley and happy, and waited, and waited, while the doctor wiggled around. I didn't realize that he was searching for what wasn't there, my baby's heart had stopped beating only the day before. It was so quiet in the room that it was like I could only imagine it being in warped space travel, so loud with nothing that your ears are about to explode. Then the silence was broken, mostly by the sobs that I'm sure terrified the expectant mothers that could hear me. I'm sorry to say I wasn't even a little concerned with them. I can't put completely into words the feelings that you go through when this happens, but I will say this...If you haven't experienced it, then you don't have a clue what it's like and I (and some other baby lost moms) would appreciate you not offering your words of wisdom, pearls of advice, or try to relate something in your life to my experience. It's not that we don't appreciate the sentiment, it's just that you never know when the words you mean to help, do nothing but tear us further down. The best thing you can do is just tell us you're sorry and let us talk when we need to talk, even if it makes you uncomfortable.



Anyhow, that was September 12, 2008 and I went in for a D&C on the 15th, I consider this my baby's angelversary (this is a term used by we baby lost moms to say when our babies went to heaven). My EDD (expected due date) was to be April 15, 2009. It never occured to me that I wouldn't be pregnant again by then, as all but one of my friends who had experienced loss had been pregnant by their EDD, I never dreamed I'd be any different (wrong again!). Actually technically I was pregnant again, but didn't know until 8 days after my EDD.



Some wonder how we keep these dates straight in our heads, but they remember their children's birthdays, their first words, their first haircut, these dates are all we have of our babies. I know that some consider that they weren't babies yet, and everyone has a right to their own beliefs, but mine were babies. I believe that at conception a baby is a life and has the right to live and be loved.



So, on April 22, 2009 (7 months later for the record) I found out I was pregnant again. Again I was over the moon, but once you've lost, you never truly enjoy a pregnancy again. I was due to leave for Nashville the two days later to run in a half marathon so I went to the doctor, who told me not to run. Easy for her to say, she hadn't spent the last 3 months fund-raising and training for this event, didn't have tickets booked, rooms reserved, and a whole host of events planned surrounding it. So, I talked to my husband and I decided I would do it anyway. And I did complete my second half marathon in 3 hours and 6 minutes (not fast at all), because I took plenty of rest breaks, drank at every stop, took pictures of the fun things, and basked in my happiness of having such a good reason to go slow. The whole experience is one I would never trade as I had raised money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society through Team in Training, to honor a friend's wife who lost her battle with Leukemia in November of 2008. It's a cause I believe in and if you're interested, you should check out TNT!!



The first visit, again early because of my history, my husband couldn't go to (again because of work), so my Julie went (my college roomie, who introduced me to hubby, who is a doctor, and who can handle me in all situations) with me. Not a good visit, so glad I wasn't alone. The ultrasound tech was a nightmare (sorry to be blunt, horrible), and told me that I was measuring an entire week behind where I should be and argued with me about knowing when I got pregnant. This bit I will tell you about most people who struggle with infertility, we KNOW when we got pregnant, we may be off by a day or two, but never a week. We count days, we take ovulation tests, we KNOW! So, that was horrible and Julie helped me not completely lose it, but she knew and I knew that this wasn't good. My OB is one of the most fantastic women I've ever met and I haven't heard a patient of hers not say the same, and she tried to reassure me, gave me every pep talk possible, told me good happy stories of these things working out, she was amazing. But my heart knew what was coming. The next week we went in for another ultrasound, still measuring behind, but had a heartbeat (not strong enough, but I tried to push that away). Luckily this time hubby was with me, but we still were skeptical. We went again a week later (seriously sick of the MD office) and the heartrate had dropped significantly. The ultrasound tech (still horrible) left to get my sweet doctor and she came in and she looked as mad/sad/upset as I felt. While they were both out of the room I told Sean, "It's happening again, I know it is". And I was numb, not yet anything but numb. So, when Dr. T came in and told me I already knew and she said obviously we would have to wait for the heart to stop completely before we could do a D&C. I went in for my second D&C on May 26, 2009, so that is Michael's angelversary. His EDD is new year's eve, and I'm struggling with that as I type. I was crushed beyond belief, but still a little numb.



The next couple of months led to something that I have no way to describe other than complete rage. I didn't act it out necessarily, but I was furious with someone that I've never been comfortable being furious with, God. I couldn't pray, I couldn't talk to Him, I knew I couldn't trust Him. And that battle still goes on for me, which is very very hard to say. I was at camp with my high schoolers from church (I volunteered with our youth group) and I remember telling one of our pastors, "I don't know why I'm here, how can I help these kids when I don't even know what to say myself?" I do know with all my heart that while I struggle with God, He knows, and He's there even when we shut Him out. As I was in a friend's office looking over her bookshelf a few months later I came across a book, that I've recommended time and again to other baby lost moms, When God Lets You Down by Donald Gee. It was heart changing for me and exactly the words God intended me to read, so if you know someone struggling with loss, get it for them!



This process continues for me and there is yet to be a happy ending to our story, but I wanted to invite you all on my journey. I plan to post more on just how I feel, the steps we're going to take to make our family bigger than just 2, and possibly how you can support baby lost moms.



I want to thank a few people very specifically for their love and support through all of this and if I miss someone, I must say that I'm sorry I'll add as I remember...



Amanda, I don't know that would've made it through day one of losing Layla were it not for you and your friendship. I know you know my pain as you have 3 angel babies too, but the support that you (and your sweet momma) gave me can never be replaced.



Kandi, my parents, my sister, Emily & Johnny, Stephane, Shawn, Jean, Karla, Leah, Sarah, Becky, all of my First Place ladies, my youth (there are too many to name individually but you know I love you!!), Caryn, Rachel, Bria, Rhonda, Tammy, Derek, Mark, Heather, Emily, the Center for Therapy staff, all of my church family, and my sweet ladies from http://www.ourmiscarriage.com/, especially Andrea and Nan!



This is for my angels in heaven Layla Marie, and Michael, your mommy loves you to the moon and back!