Halloween

I pretty much love this monkey costume!!

I don't love halloween, probably stems from not liking things that are scary! I never dressed up as anything that wasn't sweet and adorable. I was a witch once, but my mom made a puffy heart and sewed it on the front of my costume and I was a 'soft-hearted witch'!!! That's right! Some other favorites, I was a clown a few times, a fairy (complete with sparkly wand), and a hershey's kiss! All very great costumes made by my sweet mommy!

I'm sure I'll like the holiday more when I have some little ones to dress up myself, but make no mistake, this lady loves candy--and lots of it! So, if anyone wants to share their loot, I'm game!

Happy 5th Anniversary to us!!!

Five years ago today I married my best friend! It was a great day, the weather was beautiful (albeit still hot in the south!!), and we were surrounded by people that we love! Our wedding was originally scheduled on the by weekend for LSU, but Katrina hit and messed up their schedule. When I realized that our wedding would now be on a game day, I immediately called the church to see if the 2 o'clock slot was still open, it was--hallelujah! We moved the wedding up, and were able to have an after party to watch the game that night with all of our friends and loved ones! It was the best day ever. Sean said he knew he picked the right person when I did that, pretty sure he's still feeling that way today! Notice his LSU vest and tie! All purple and gold! Thank you, Foxy, for the best five years ever! I love you more today than I did in 2005, and you still make me laugh all the time!!

One of my favorites, me waiting to walk into the church!!!
Headed to the reception...
Our first dance
I believe this is after cake cutting!
Me and my sweet daddy at the reception.
Us walking out of the ceremony--I was a happy girl! (still am!)
After some (a million) photos, a little silliness, quite typical of my Foxy!
We call this his victory pose, yep, he did it!
After the reception before the party to watch LSU play!

Thoughts for Thursday...

1. My little dog, O'Hara, is a diva, and a bully. I think if my big dogs could talk they'd tell me she's driving them crazy. She's driving me crazy. She barks constantly, at everything, and thinks that 7:30am is a good time to wake up. It's NOT!!!

2. Sean has been working everyday this week and will continue through the 4th of November. That sucks and his work schedule is not lightening up since they have a new partner, they've just added more shifts. This sucks!

3. My sister is coming one week for today to stay for 4 days and while that's not long enough I'll take what I can get! I miss her. Continue to pray that her hubby will find a job here, I want them to move here asap!!

4. I'm reading books by Jen Lancaster, the first one was "Bitter is the New Black", pretty funny, but the second one is "Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?". This one is laugh out loud funny on multiple occasions. I'm almost finished then I'll read the third one.

5. Why did Cougar Town make me cry last night? That show is supposed to be funny--I didn't appreciate the sneak attack of sentiment!

6. Natural White Cheddar Cheetos=goodness from heaven! If you haven't had them--get some!

7. It's finally sorta cool outside, I say sorta as the high today here in Texas is 71 degrees. I prefer this weather now, as I'm ready for the concealing coverage of some nice winter sweaters and the fabulousness that is all of my boots! Bring on the fall/winter peeps!!

8. Cancer sucks, so does infertility. These things seem to keep rearing their ugly heads for me and people that I love. No cancer for me and my loved ones right now, but I have friends whose loved ones are battling cancer, and I don't like it. And obviously, infertility glares at me daily, and lots of people I love. I would like to eradicate these things!! If I didn't hate raising money so much I'd do TNT again to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society. I want to do the 3-day breast cancer walk, so someone tell me when and where you're planning on doing that some time next year!

9. The gluten free gumbo is still yummy, and pineapple is rocking right now! I'm planning on making Sean some gluten free pumpkin bread tomorrow, he loves pumpkin, it's our anniversary--sounds like a good idea.

10. Last, but not least I have some great friends who pray with me and for me all the time and I'm grateful for that. More grateful than I could ever put into words! Thank you, God, for blessing me so fully in that area of my life!

Wordless (Almost) Wednesday

This is Sampson, he weighs 110 lbs and he's in my chair and a half with me!

A Good Book

So, a couple of weeks ago I read a book that I wanted to share with all the BLMs, then I decided that I would share it across the board, as it deals with loss. For those of you who are interested in how people deal with loss and infertility, this book gives a good insight I think. I tells something of how people feel in these situations, perhaps better than I do on this blog. Or maybe it's just that it being in a book makes me feel more validated because obviously someone else has felt these things, and needed to write about them! I hope you enjoy this book, as much as I did!

My precious friend, Jennifer, at Blue Sparrow wrote tonight about a new movie coming out called Rabbit Hole staring Nicole Kidman (who I think is genius b/c she dumped that weirdo Tom and married hottie crooner, Keith Urban, who I adore!!). It deals with loss. My computer illiterate self cannot figure out how to put videos on here yet, so go to her blog and check it out. If you're at work, probably wait until you get home! I'll be going and I'm hoping to drag my dear friend, Britt, with me!

You can eat Gluten Free Gumbo

Yesterday my mommy came to stay with me and wanted to do something sweet for me, soooo

Gluten Free Gumbo did ensue in the Troxclair kitchen! Mom did the bulk of it, using Brown Rice Flour (thanks Caneel), and she and Foxy collaborated some over getting it to a good consistency. It didn't get as dark as I think either of them wanted, but let me tell you that this little gluten intolerant girl, was well pleased!!! A yummy gigantic pot of chicken, andouille sausage, and shrimp gumbo with lots of okra (per my request) is settling well into my belly for dinner last night and lunch today! She also cooked some deer meat in gravy, and the gravy is not as thick as her typical gravy, but was still yummy and the meat was fork tender, which is a feat in and of itself!!! I'm one spoiled little girl!

Thanks Mommy!! It was just nice to have her here with me for a couple of days! Now, I'm sitting in the living room watching the lightening outside, snuggled with my dogs and cat, and just finished listening to the sermon from Faithlink today (contemporary worship at my home church, which I miss a lot!!)! It's a good one, take a listen!

HOPE

Sometimes on this road of infertility, the wind can get knocked out of your sails. Without great family and friends it could be very easy to just give up, to quit and to accept defeat. The fear of what can go wrong can seriously overwhelm you, especially when the hits keep coming. Today I cling to the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control!". I am claiming the power that God gives each of us and that He has a plan for me "they are plans of good and not of disaster, to give you a future and HOPE!" Jeremiah 29:11. Thanks to my sweet kindred spirit for sending me that one today!!

I BELIEVE that God will answer any prayers when we pray with a heart like His, and I believe that he understands our pain, as stated here:

Psalm 119:28 (New International Version)

²⁸ My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.

And I know that He is with me always, as this verse demonstrates. I found this verse after my first loss and again came across it after the second. My sweet friend, Karla (mother to the sweet twins born at 32w,4d, who are totally fat and adorable, home and doing great now!), sent me some great verses last night! It is great to have friends who encourage me so, not allow me to wallow in sadness or despair!

Psalm 34:18 (New International Version)

¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 40:1-3 (New International Version)

¹ I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

I remember praying for patience before, and I'm learning that He is teaching it to me, and teaching me to trust in Him completely with no other focus, no other dependency. In Him alone I will put my faith!!!

Psalm 145:18-19 (New International Version)

¹⁸ The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

¹⁹ He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

I really like this one, as I love to sing, I love to worship God in song, and the thought of Him singing over me is so comforting!!

Zephaniah 3:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷ The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

And finally, I leave you with my favorite scripture ever. This one I have claimed for years, and even cross-stitched when I was in high school (yes, I did cross-stitch!). The promise of Him NEVER leaving me is so comforting because I know in this journey through infertility and loss you often feel alone, and it's when I feel the most alone that His peace overwhelms me and I REST in the knowledge that He is in control!!

Isaiah 54:10 (American Standard Version)

¹⁰ For the mountains may depart, and the hills be removed; but my lovingkindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall my covenant of peace be removed, saith Jehovah that hath mercy on thee.

There were lots of hopeful blog posts today and for that I'm grateful as well. I want to share a quote from Once a Mother's blog that she read on a friends fb...

"Don't let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present!!" Can I get an AMEN?!!? Send her some love too, she's on week 7 of bed rest and for anyone who has been on it, you know that it can really wear on your soul!

Continuing in HOPE and BELIEVING that God will provide!!!

Balloon Release

Today (well yesterday now, thanks to some technical difficulties) I went to a late lunch with my sweet friend, Britt. We both LOVE wingstop, so we went there and made our tummmies happy while talking about all manner of things, babies, lost babies, husbands, friends, things that made us laugh, things that weren't so funny. After we visited for a while, we decided that we would go do our own balloon release in honor of our sweet angel babies. So, off to the party store we went! It was super fun really, in a sad way that we would even have to do this, to even know that yesterday was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Still, it felt really good to honor our angels and watch them soar way above us in the sky. I imagined them in the arms of my Maker, and knew that as much as it hurts, they are in good hands.

The weather today was absolutely beautiful, as there wasn't a cloud in the sky, the temperature wasn't overwhelmingly hot, and we are very blessed to have a children's park here in Tyler. It is very peaceful and such a perfect place for a balloon release. On Tuesday, Britt and I are planning on going to the park with some sidewalk chalk to write our babies names before the Glory Babies support group meeting. I'm excited about that and will post pics when we do that too! I would've loved to write every name of every angel baby of every person who has touched my life since my loss, but couldn't get them all in today. I'll add more and share as time goes on!

Here is the link to my shutterfly album with all the pics from our release, you'll see a few albums click on the Balloon release one.

Layla and Michael

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. Ronald Regan put this day into place in 1988 to honor those children who have been lost, and to raise awareness. Please remember those who have lost a child. Each day 2000 people learn that their babies have died, each day many people hear those words, "I can't find a heartbeat". Each day some one's dreams and hopes shatter in an instant. Today, remember those people, and hold your little ones close because each life that makes it into a mother's arms or father's arms is a miracle, a true unequivocal miracle! Be grateful!

At 7:00pm around the world people will be lighting candles to honor their lost children. Please light one with them, or send them your support!

My sweet babies,

Today the world takes a pause to remember lives like yours, lives that came and went too soon. Lives that touched hearts, then broke hearts, then soared about and beyond what you could imagine. Each day my heart aches with the loss of you both, the dreams that went, the pain that set in, the hard lessons learned, the friendships grown, the friendships lost, the tears, the joys, the hope you both brought, and the road your lives have set me on!

Thank you for being my babies, however short the time, and for all that I've learned from your presence. You will always be my babies, and I will love you forever and ever. Nothing will change my love for you, and time and circumstances will never make me forget you!

Tonight I light a candles in your memory and the memory of those that I hope are your angel friends in heaven, too many to name, but you know them!

I love you forever and always, my babies you'll be!

Mommy

Anniversary and some photo booth fun...

Tonight we celebrated our FIFTH wedding anniversary by going to a great sushi place in Dallas, I highly recommend this place...

http://shinseirestaurant.com/

Seriously some of the best sushi I've ever had!! If you go and you can ask for Casey to be your waiter, he was excellent as well, and really tended to my gluten intolerance with great care. That means a lot to me, everything he recommended was simply divine!!

(Our actual anniversary isn't until the 29th, but Sean will be working then, so we celebrated early, no gifts yet, but I'll keep you posted on that!!)

Beforehand, we were playing with the camera on the computer--here are a few of my favs!!!

Sean and O'Hara love...
O'Hara was really passing out the love
O'Hara had just licked my mouth...grosssssss
He's trying not to have squinty eyes...

Sean said his eyes were squinty...
Me and O'Hara Belle taking some photos!

Wordless Wednesday

Praying for Hubby

Asking you all to pray for my sweet hubby as he's taking his Critical Care Boards tomorrow. He's been studying like a crazy person these past few weeks, thanks to some good influence from his friend, Scott! Please lift them both up tomorrow, asking for peace and calm for their minds, for retention of information, and for accurate retrieval of that information for the test! They are both working so hard and are such great husbands, please keep them on your list tomorrow!!

Tyler Rose Half Marathon

So yesterday I completed my SIXTH half marathon! Wow, who (that knows me well) would've ever imagined I'd do that??? Not even me!

No PR setting here (that requires way better training), but not my slowest (that was during my 2nd pregnancy)! Overall I'm very pleased. This course was HILLY!!!! So a hard one, but very pretty through the Azalea district in Tyler, which is similar to South Highlands back home!

A shout out to Scott for completing his first half with thanks to his mentor, Skinner! Daniel set a rocking PR (I'm jealous) & Julie didn't hold it against me that I left her (she usually beats the mess out of me!). Thank y'all so much for coming to Tyler and for running with me!!! Thank you for being great friends too, honest, supportive, hilarious friends!!!


Next up on the running calendar? Nothing!!!!!! Though talks of a full are spinning round out there (when pigs fly in cincinatti in 2012?!?), we'll see!

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Another Half Marathon

is tomorrow!!!! Yep, haven't written a lot about it because I've been a lousy training runner and don't think I'm going to be setting any PRs, but I'm doing it. I'm super excited that some of my runner family from Shreveport is coming to stay in Tyler tonight and run with me tomorrow!!! I can't wait to see Skinner, Daniel, and Scott! Julie is headed over from Dallas too, so we're going to have a blast! I'm cooking up some chicken pasta salad tonight for dinner, don't be jealous all of you who adore Ponchatoulas :).

So, be thinking about us tomorrow morning as we tackle 13.1 miles and wish Scott tons of luck, this is his first half, which is always a super fun time!! I'm expecting some emotion across the finish line! Oh, running, how I have a love/hate relationship with you! So glad the weather is going to be fab tomorrow!!!

Going to see Sugarland

Tonight I'm going to see Sugarland in Dallas with Julie and Becca, should be a blast. I love concerts and always forget how much I love them until I go to another one! I've heard they are very entertaining, and I like a lot of their songs, so I'm excited. Until then you can find me resting up on Julie's couch with a good book, some yummies from Eatzi's and a gluten free cupcake from Sprinkles! Yummy and Happy Friday to you!

Gluten Free Living

So, I think I've mentioned it here before, that I'm on a gluten free diet. I have always had stomach troubles, and had pretty much just assumed that was my life and I was dealing with it.

Over the past 6-12 months I've had a lot of (seriously, like 20) people mention to me the idea of being gluten intolerant, or having Celiac Disease. The testing for Celiac is extensive and I decided not to do that for now (back in 2005-2007 I spent literally those two years having tests run and appointments and trying new meds, the only thing that helped was having my gall bladder removed on the day my godson was born in 2007), but decided after reading a lot about it, just to try removing gluten from my diet. I had also read the book "Making Babies", which is very informative, but can also make you a basket case with all that it tells you, but it suggested for my type that I not eat wheat, which contains gluten, just further insistence that this could be bad for me.

So, as of August 1st I became gluten free, and have tried my best to avoid gluten at all times. It has been a little bit of a struggle, but I believe that it's helped with my weight, since it pretty much eliminates fried food because of the batter. Good-bye to my ever favorite Chick-Fil-A chicken biscuit after a long morning run (maybe that's why I haven't been running as much).

The results: almost no pain and a normal moving system that has been completely dysfunctional for about 2 solid years now. It has been glorious. I don't scope out bathrooms in stores so that I know where to run when the pain hits, and I just enjoy my day and feel way better. So, hubby says he doesn't believe it, but he's not in my body and can't feel or see the difference, so I'm still going for it.

For anyone who may be interested, fake crab meat contains gluten, no need to test this yourself, as I was a guinea pig for you. I just couldn't believe that it really contained it and enough to make me sick, but I assure you after a good serving of Krab Log over the weekend, it contains gluten, and it HURT me badly. I'm choosing to remain gluten free and enjoying it! I've purchased a bread machine to make my own gluten free bread, some have been a big flop, but the last one, I ate the whole loaf this week, so that was nice. Sometimes, you just need bread!

We're going to try corn flour to make a roux out of because I'm not sure that I can go without gumbo for the rest of my life, that would really be tragic!! When we do it, I'll give a report on how it turns out!!

Happy eating--I'm headed to the pantry now!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Pregnancy abounds...

but not yet for me. I have debated over and over on this post, and in favor of being honest and saying what so many people can't seem to say, here it is...

Four of my dearest friends are pregnant, I've found this all out in a matter of weeks. I can't begin to tell you what this does to me, it's such a happy time, so wonderful for them and such a blessing! Still, it is completely overwhelming for this girl who has watched 44 months pass with only 2 positive pregnancy tests and countless other babies born. Two of these friends are having their second babies, one is a BLM, and one has been trying for a long time and endured much heartache waiting for her dream to come true too. Having these friends have their dreams come true does give me hope, helps me know that dreams do come true, but it really is hard. The hard part is watching what I so desperately want happen to other people while it doesn't happen to me. It's so hard to have to defend myself, or feel the need to defend myself because I can't always jump up and down with joy for someone else, to feel bad because I can't be sympathetic about their pregnancy woes (because I'd kill for nausea, or sleep deprivation, or to have to pass on the delicious medium steak and goat cheese potatoes that I had for dinner--yummy!), to be unable to ask questions some days, and to continuously feel lapped.

I am trying very hard to be supportive, but some days are really hard, some days I see a baby that is the age that either of my children would be and I'm a mess. All of these friends have been exceptional to me through all of the loss we've endured. Each of them has asked me more than once how I feel, listened to me cry, and supported me, which is why I'm trying really hard to be as supportive of them as they've been to me. It does make a difference that these girls have been such great friends to me, it makes supporting them much easier, but it doesn't make it easy.

If you are pregnant and you have a friend who is desperately trying to get pregnant, or who has experienced loss, please know that they aren't trying to be hateful to you, that they aren't NOT happy for you, that they aren't mean horrible people. We are human, we are hurting, we are trying to navigate this life that no one would ever choose, and that we are clueless on how to get through. There is no manual on how to be a great friend to your friend who losses a baby, nor is there one on how to be a good friend when your friend has a baby and you don't. Please be patient with us, and know that we do love you, we are happy for you, but that grief is a devastating thing that sometimes controls us far more than we can control!

P.S. Special thank you to my sweet friend Rachel at Triplet Butterfly Wings for the butterfly release in honor of Layla and Michael (picture above).

Follow up

I just wanted to clarify following my previous post on adoption.

Thank you first of all for the support! I love the support of this community and am grateful daily that God led me here!

I just want to be clear that while I didn't appreciate the woman's attitude from that adoption agency and I really don't think that our desire to adopt with a Christian agency should be thwarted because we don't go to the same church, we are very peaceful with our plan. Having found a new RE, feeling very confident with his care, and adoring his staff really helps!! We are very excited to have a plan and have hope after a couple of years of feeling very hopeless!!

Thank you all so much and please just send up prayers for us as we move forward!


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