So, according to my sister I had the days until Cala is due wrong, and she's right. I had just taken what Baby Mama had said and run with it, which kicked me into gear, but also stressed me out just a tad!! So, here's to 134 days and counting!
I shocked that I'm going to have a baby in 106 days, if she goes to her due date! This path has seemed long and unending & it leaves you disillusioned and some say pessimistic. I (and those who've lost, or struggled with IF) will say we're cautious and sometimes we just can't believe it's finally happening for us!
For those of you who are now pregnant, or awaiting your adopted child, who by the way is fully yours, you just were blessed with a special delivery agent, I say I know your trepidation, I echo your broken scared hearts, but I pray we all throw caution to the wind and BELIEVE we too are going to get our happy endings.
I'm trying that now! I've started looking for furniture for Cala and picking everything from pack-n-plays to bouncy seats to diaper bags!!!! I'm enjoying it, but I'll say Baby Mama helps! She texted today and said 'i'm excited for you to be a mommy'! That's a plus! Adoption can be amazing!!!
I had a friend message me today and she said something that I found profound about adoption. She said she's watched so many special friends suffer through infertility while she's watched such undeserving peolple have children over and over, but that maybe our infertility was God's way of getting certain very special babies to these very special families, that maybe otherwisewe wouldn't have considered it at all! True true Dr. Gardner, thanks for the insight!
God is good all the time. All the time God is good! (Though some days it's way harder to see til you're way on the other side!!)
Not sure how many of you knew we were seeing the perinatologist with baby mama, but we did that yesterday. For those who don't know what that means, they are high risk doctors, and we went because baby mama has a family member who is MR (mentally retarded). They think it was a result of birth trauma, but with the family history her OB sent her to get checked out just in case! I wasn't worried and saw it as an opportunity to get more pictures of Cala baby! This appointment had been scheduled for last Thursday, but the office closed due to the snow, would have been nice if they had informed us of that before we drove two hours to be there (in the snow)! Then yesterday they attempted to 'reschedule' our appointment at our appointment time. The receptionist was hideously rude and certainly should NOT work in any customer service setting, as she obviously doesn't understand that concept, but we were seen, by the nurse and u/s tech ( who was DELIGHTFUL!!!), and the doctor called today with the test results. Just as we suspected, our little girl is perfectly healthy and doing great!! I got some great u/s pics, if you want to see them, leave me your email, or I have them posted on facebook!
I want to address something else in this particular post, actually 2-3 things.
One being I am always grateful for people who try to empathize with our circumstances with the losses and infertility. I think it says a great deal about a person when they truly try to understand and/or support me (or any IF person) through this time. I've said before and I'll say it again, this experience has afforded us the knowledge and given us a greater appreciation for TRUE friendship!
Secondly, I've heard about eleventy billion pregnancy announcements lately and it still isn't easy, reagrdless of our adoption blessing/miracle it's still hard to not be the one sharing that particular good news and it is different when you announce you're adopting, it just is!
Thirdly, I want to say to those who read here that though my dreams are coming true in an alternate way to a baby, I still grieve my losses, still ache to 'work correctly' and hope that my adoption story doesn't bring you pain, but does give you hope in some way! My heart breaks daily for the new people who plunge into our 'group' of loss or infertility. I pray healing for us all and I won't forget where I've been, the pain I've felt, or the grace I have been shown.
It's hard after loss to not just be panicked 100% of your life, so scared that something else will go wrong. I have to choose today to believe that God brought us and Baby Mama together for the best interest of Cala baby and that He is in fact, in control!! Luckily Baby Mama is pretty reassuring & shares her worries too, which makes it much easier!!
In blog reading I came across a story tonight & was watching a video a family made about their son, Bronson, try to YouTube that, but they used a song that I had forgotten about, but LOVE. I'm going to write the words, as I pulled out my old hymnal I keep at home and read them all and sang to myself and my animals (they are super grateful).
Sweet Hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer! That calls us from a world of care, and bids me at my Father's throne make all my wants and wishes known; in seasons of distress and grief, my soul has often found relief and oft escaped the tempter's snare by thy return sweet hour of prayer!
Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer the joys I feel the bliss I share of those whose anxious spirits burn with strong desires for thy return! With such I hasten to the place where God my savior shows His face, and gladly take my station there, and wait for thee sweet hour of prayer!
Sweet hour of prayer, sweet hour of prayer! Thy wings shall my petition bear to Him whose truth and faithfulness engage the waiting soul to bless; and since He bids me seek His face, believe His word and trust His grace, I'll cast on Him my every care, and wait for thee sweet hour of prayer!!
No truer words were ever sung! Thank God for reminding me of His grace through His powerful victory in the life of another child!
I got this from my sweet Friend at www.baby-on-mind.blogspot.com and had to share...
Infertility Etiquette, by Vita Alligood Don't tell them to relax Don't minimize the problem Don't say there are worse things that could happen Don't say they aren't meant to be parents Don't ask why they aren't trying IVF Don't play doctor Don't be crude Don't complain about your pregnancy Don't treat them like they are ignorant Don't gossip about your friend's condition Don't push adoption (yet) Let them know you care Remember them on Mother's Day Support their decision to stop treatments
This one is dedicated to my sweet friends who are so supportive and helpful through all the trials that I face! I'll upload a picture later, but my sweet girls Nan and Andrea sent me the sweetest gift this week. It's a necklace with Michael and Layla on it and little charms that are their birthstones! You'll love it when you see it, I sure do!! Thank you girls!!!
That word seems to penetrate the world of people with fertility issues. We all blog and we share and we comfort each other, but this road is lonely! Each person experiences this differently and though we share experiences, no two cases are exactly the same! In talking to my great friend C that I've been friends with for years now, who is starting the IVF journey, she said it, she feels so lonely!! We talk a lot about how we feel and we share experiences, but it is still lonely! Infertility is lonely. It's so lonely that I hate to write the word even!
Everyone's road is different and I respect them all. One may not be right for me that is right for you, and my journey into adoption may not be right for other people. Adoption is in itself different for everyone. For us, we are super-blessed, very greatful to have found a great birthmother who is sweet, funny, smart, and organized. Those are traits that I think fit well with our family and we are greatful!
I want to share that this journey itself is a lonely one as well. The ins and outs of adoption are so complicated, and you have to travel that road and figure it out as you go. I wish I could tell you that it's simple and cut and dry but it's not. It's lonely to not know how to handle each situation and to have to figure it out. I want to emphasize that it is hard for me, for Sean, for Baby Mama, for our birthfather, for my family and friends, for Baby Mamas family and friends. In our situation it's hard to watch her go through this and hard for us to go through it as well. We are thrilled to be adopting Cala, we know she's meant to be in our family, but I don't want to mislead anyone into thinking this is super easy.
Every step of this infertility is hard and each part of the process has to be navigated, some parts are easier than others, but they all must be taken to reach our baby dreams!
So, here's to those lonely steps that bring us to our babies and to knowing that ultimately, regardless of how lonely we've felt, God never leaves us alone.
This post is possibly going to make no sense, but I have to just start writing...
I lost two babies. They are in heaven with all of the other angel babies and I hope that they are having fun up there, but I sure wish they were here having fun! I got two of the sweetest Valentine's gifts today. The first was unexpected, in that upon returning home from being in Shreveport (yes, I did just say that, this is my home for now) I found a huge bouquet of pink roses and astralomeria (I probably butchered the spelling of that) with no baby's breath (as I strongly dislike babies breath), and two gifts from my hubby. This is not all that like him, he's not good at surprises and he thinks that Valentine's Day is stupid (I tend to agree with him and have had some awful past Valentine's Days), so it was a great sweet surprise.
The second was even more unexpected, I was catching up on my blog reading, checking in on my ladies, and came to Jennifer's blog http://jenn625.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-post_5863.html and she had one of the best gifts ever there...She did baby names on candy for all of our babies, and included was sweet Layla and Michael's names. I cried and cried, tears of joy, and also some tears of pain. It doesn't go away, that loss, even with our upcoming adoption, and knowing that baby Cala is meant for our family, that doesn't take away what we lost. Cala won't replace Layla, no child replaces another. And though some people don't understand this as I never 'met' Layla or Michael, I know it. It changes your heart. My heart is different as it has two tiny pieces missing, pieces that can't be replaced.
My heart misses my babies. My heart wonders if it will ever get the opportunity to make other babies like them. My heart is already full for Cala and anxiouslyl awaiting her arrival. But my heart misses Layla and Michael. So, thank you Jennifer for honoring my babies and all of our babies! I'm very blessed by the friends I have, the ones I already had, the ones who've proven their steadfastness through this journey, and the new ones I've made on this sad journey!
I wanted to clarify first for anyone who is confused, as I didn't realize that it would be confusing, but Cala is pronounced like the lily.
Then onto what's going on with me. I started a new job this past week. I'm assistant to the Youth Director over girls ministry at Marvin UMC in Tyler. This truly is a dream come true. Those of you who know me, know what a passion I have for youth and how much I love working with them. My kids at First were a huge part of my life and I miss them soooo much! I try to keep up with them as much as possible, thank you Facebook for making it easier! I got to see some of them this weekend while I was at home, which was very nice especially since it was two of my girls turned 18 on Sunday, and one of my girls who is in college was home too! So, the new job is an answered prayer and a blessing. Also, it's only part-time, and won't be during the summer, so I'll be able to bring sweet Cala home and spend some time with her completely uninterrupted (then go back to work when school starts again, but she'll probably go with me!). God knows what He's doing all the time and takes care of us! This wouldn't have been possible in Shreveport, so again I give Him all the credit and the glory!
Everything is still looking good for the adoption. I've talked to Baby Mama and she's having a rough time right now, but nothing to do with the pregnancy or giving Cala up, she even signs her emails "Baby Mama & Cala". I ask that you keep her in your prayers. We are still trying to get all of our side organized so that we can help her out some more. Baby Mama says she won't be changing her mind, as she knows that this is best for Cala and that she's happy to have found the perfect parents for her. I can hardly believe that this is happening for us after all that we've been through. Not actually being pregnant myself also makes it harder to internalize, as I really have no daily proof staring me in the face! Though I'm still planning stuff, we haven't picked out furniture yet, but we will do that soon. We saw that there is a Cribs Galore in Tyler, so we'll check that place out and see how it is!!
This next part I will put a disclaimer on, for those of you who haven't experienced loss, or the heartache of infertility, you will just never know what it's like and please note that I am very happy for everyone who is expecting, but that doesn't make it easy for me.
This weekend I experienced two pregnancy announcements. Both people I'm very happy for, especially one as she is a twice babylost mommy with one earthly angel child. She's preggo with twins, and I'm elated for her, and I'll admit a bit jealous. The thing about these pregnancy announcements is that I can't help but have that twinge of 'why not me?'. I've written about that before. I'm thrilled that we are adopting, I think that Cala was meant for our family, and I know that if my pregnancies had worked out and Layla or Michael were here, we probably wouldn't have considered adoption. So, again, that God knows what He's doing, and I feel blessed that He thinks enough of me to make me part of His plan. But it still doesn't make the pregnancy announcements easy. It happens so easily for so many other people, even some people who have lost and then get pregnant again so quickly, it's like it was a 3 month set back for them and here I am 9 months after loss still not expecting again, as are some of my sweet friends, and it breaks my heart for myself, and for them, and moreso for others who aren't even 'paper expecting' (that's some adoption lingo!!). I know that when you've lost you just hurt to hear new announcements. I wonder is it hard for my unexpecting, babylost friends to hear that I am getting my rainbow baby too? I'm happy for me, and at the same time sad for them. I want to talk about my baby, but I don't want to cause them any pain at the same time.
Then there's the fact that I'm not actually pregnant and most people are as excited for me as they would be did I have a baby in my belly, but you can sense in some voices, that they are scared for me too. They don't have that excitement, they aren't wanting to hear all about it, as if it's not mine to be excited about. My sweet kindred spirit, Andrea, said the perfect thing to me yesterday, she said, "This baby girl is soooo special Deni and don't let anyone rob you of feeling this great joy!". Well, how can you even think of anything but great joy when you have friends who support you like that?!?! And then there's Shandrea, who says she smiles everytime she thinks about my adoption! Thank you to those of you who are without fail the constants in my life!! Thank you for understanding that just because I'm sad for me, doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. Thank you for showing as much emotion as you do, for trying to talk me into baby showers because you believe that this is going to happen. Thank you all for letting me vent when I need to, for letting me laugh a lot, and for letting me be alone when I need that too! Thank you to those of you who are already planning all the great gifts for Cala and adding her to your prayer lists too! She is going to be the light of my life, and I can't wait to meet her face to face.
Last thought, if any of you know anything about breastfeeding adopted children, please pass it on. I've ordered a couple of books about it and am researching that option!!
Congrats to the new mommies to be! Love and hugs to my babylost mommy friends who are hurting and waiting!
Also, CONGRATULATIONS TO DEM BOYS!!! The SAINTS did us proud! Bless you boys! I'm sad to not be at the Saints parade in NOLA tonight, but hopefully the sister will take good pictures!! WHO DAT?!?!?
So, if you haven't already read the pre-story part of this, please do that as it tells how we came to this decision to adopt.
But if you have, I felt so selfish for not sharing the goodness that God has blessed us with, so here goes...
When deciding to adopt, Sean and I were just not comfortable with any agencies that we came across. Please don't think that I mean that they are bad, or anything like that, just know that everyone's travel down this road is different. I continually felt that what I needed to do was to put the word out there and wait. Sounds ridiculous, but when I discussed it with Sean he said that he felt that too! Crazy!! I had to steel my mind from the thoughts that doing it like this could take FOREVER!!! Being able to do this came from the complete peace that I had that God was guiding that decision and that it was going to happen rather quickly. I know this isn't everyone's experience, but I continually felt that in my heart. My friend, I'll call her Precious, had sent me the verse from Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God". Then when I was listening to a song that day, that I had never really listened to, it repeated that over and over. The song is "Meet You in the Silence" by Mark Sorensen, get on itunes and get it today!! I listened to that song over and over and over (along with "Desperation" and "Dance Like David" also from that album). This for me was just confirmation that God was at work and I didn't need to fret, so there's the background to that!!
Right around New Year's I got a fb friend request from OB, she asked me some questions about running, which you all know I love to answer and love to encourage people! Then a few days later I got a message saying something along these lines...
I was just wondering, HYPOTHETICALLY, if I had a patient who wanted to put her baby up for adoption, would you like to be put in contact with her? How would you like to do that?...
I responded back that I'd need to check with my attorney, but never did that. We had a possible adoption situation in our midst at that time with a baby who had already been born and was connected through a friend of mine who has adopted, anyhow that didn't work out (totally God's plan, and I felt that peace completely too). So, with this opportunity, I wanted to 'evaluate' the birthmother myself, to see how she really felt, to check my gut feelings and see what would come of it, if in fact, there was an actual birthmother to meet.
Well, about a week later, she sent me another message asking if I had talked to my attorney as she really did HAVE a patient who wanted to put her baby up for adoption. I told her that I just wanted her to contact me directly.
Little did I know that this was what had happened on the other end... OB had some extra time waiting for her partner to go eat lunch, so she was playing on fb and read my blog, realizing that we wanted to adopt. THAT afternoon Baby Mama came in a said that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption and wondered if OB could be any help (Divine Intervention, I KNOW so!!). She responded very calmly that she had read a friend's blog that morning and we wanted to adopt and gave Baby Mama some time to think about it. Well, a few days later Baby Mama contacted her and wanted our information. OB offered my phone number, which freaked Baby Mama out completely, she said, "I thought yeah right, I'm going to call up this complete stranger and be like, Hey! You want my baby?!!?". So she got my email address instead.
Baby Mama emailed me and I immediately felt this peace overcome me and I could just tell that she was a good person in a tough position. We decided to meet that Saturday (which I briefly mentioned here after), thoroughly hit it off and were so completely content that I know that though neither of us wanted to say it immediately, we were done!! Sean needed to meet her, but I knew that they would completely hit it off because Baby Mama is funny and sarcastic like him, but I also knew she was genuine. Sean and I are both put off by fake people, and people who try to push their agenda too much. I knew that Baby Mama wasn't like that and wouldn't do that. We decided we would meet again with him the following Friday.
To say that the next week went by like a constipated snail is a gross understatement. I DRUUUUUUUUUUG on, for me, Baby Mama, and Sean. The closer the meeting came the more fidgety Sean got, the more panicked Baby Mama got, and bless both of their hearts, I knew that it was going to be fine, but they were so worried that one wouldn't like the other!! You know the rest of the story...
I'll tell you some other really funny things that some people chalk up to coincidence, but that I know are controlled by the one who controls it all.
1. I've always wanted to have a baby in the summer so that we could do swimming pool parties, because my birthday was always too early for that!
2. I've always wanted a blonde baby and both Baby Mama and birthfather were blondy babies!
3. My sister and BIL are now financially stable and can spoil our baby the way they want to!
4. This won't interfere with any of my marathon training (until July when I'll be too busy staring at my baby to run!! Though plans for a jogging stroller are in the works and recommendations are more than welcome!)
Now for the two questions that everyone wants an answer to...
Baby girl Troxclair is due July 8th, though she may come a little earlier than that! And yes! We do have a name (we've only been talking about this for three years!!) Her name will be Cala Fay Troxclair. Cala is greek for beautiful. Fay is my middle name and my granny's middle name, so there was no question about that!!
Thank you all for your love, prayers, and encouragment! We are so greatful to God for blessing us in this special way and can't wait to meet our sweet girl. I'm headed to the appointment with Baby Mama tomorrow, so hopefully we'll have some pictures that I can scan in to share!!
Wife, daughter, sister, now mother after infertility. I continue to struggle with infertility and the scars that will always remain. I am the mother of two angel babies in heaven, and one miracle on earth!